


Stormy Weather

by Idris02



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-12 08:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idris02/pseuds/Idris02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set shortly after 8x17. Cristina needs someone but everyone is busy, everyone but Jackson. What will happen when old feelings rise and new feelings are made. After a painful life with Owen, Cristina deserves better. Will Jackson be better?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Jackson Avery’s POV**

The day was finally over. The sky was dark, as it was almost all day this time of year, and it was cold outside, freezing actually but not in here. The fire was going as I sat on the couch with the curtains drawn to a close, my feet up on the coffee table, a beer sitting next to my feet, without a coaster and a bag of chips on my left. April was at the hospital, which I meant I could do whatever. Alex was also there, they both had the night shift, but he wouldn’t care about what I was doing, he does it all the time.

That was the only issue with moving in with April and Alex, they were opposites when it came to housework. She would do almost everything and fuss and he would do as little as possible. I moaned to Alex about it but I happily did the chores, but as it was just after work, I just wanted to relax.

The game finished so I leant forward grabbed the remote and switched over to another channel, ads. Checking the next channel I found ads, then a reality show, then ads yet again, and then finally a movie. Clicking the description, I got halfway through reading it when the door knocked. “Coming.” I yelled as I switched off the tv and placed my feet on the ground. Grabbing the empty bag of chips off the couch and my empty beer bottle, I ran to the bin, dusted myself off and surveyed the apartment while I walked to the door. Nothing seemed out of order.

I unlocked the door and pulled it open to discover a snivelling Cristina in my hallway.

Looking up at me briefly for a moment, she asked quietly, “Is Alex here?”

“Uh no, he’s at the hospital, nightshift.” I replied looking her up and down trying to figure out was wrong. Her face didn’t yet look blotching from crying but by the expression displayed on her face she was only a few hours away from that. Her hair was quickly done up in a bun, as usual and bits were sprawling out of it and hanging down her face. She wore a thick coat with the collar up and a white scarf protruding out of the mouth of her coat. She was wearing dark jeans and high boots and had her brown leather bag hung across her shoulder. For the first time since I had meet her she didn’t seem invincible.

“Oh ok, sorry to bother you.” She mumbled and turned away walking towards the stairs.

Facing the inside of my apartment it took me only seconds to reconsider going inside and ignoring the state that she was in, taking a step into the hall I called after her, “Cristina. Come on in.”

Swivelling round to face me a small smile appeared on her mouth as she walked towards me. Shutting the door behind both of us, I locked it. Turning to face her, I watched her scan the room. I saw her assess all that she saw, her eyes touching everything.

“Nice place.” She said, her tone normalising. She turned her head towards the window then towards the fireplace lit in the corner then at the blank tv a few metres beside it and spoke again, “No coaster Jackson, April won’t be pleased.” She gave me a false disapproving look.

Ignoring her last comment and replied, “It’s nice and warm in here. Let me take your coat.”

Shrugging it off her shoulders, she handed it to me. It was soaked through. I dragged a chair in front of the fire and draped her coat over, so that it would dry. Glancing back at her I now noticed what I didn’t notice at the doorway. She was shivering. Her hair was also wet and her jeans looked damp from here. Not only was she obviously upset but also she must be freezing.

“Ok you need to take your clothes off.” I said without thinking.

A look of disbelief crossed her face, “I…” she started before I quickly intervened.

“You are completely sodden, you need to get take off your clothes, get in the shower and put some dry clothes on.”

Her face relaxed a little and she nodded. Leaning down she took off her shoes and walked over to place them by the fire.

“Lead on.” She said as she looked at me expectantly.

I strode across the living room/dining room/almost kitchen area towards the bathroom. Reaching the bathroom, I switched the lights and heater on. Leaning into the shower and turning it on I said, “You can change the temperature once you get in there, the bathroom door locks. Towels are on the rack here,” pointing towards the towels I continued, “Use this towel because that one is Alex’s so odds on it won’t have been washed recently and the one next to that is April’s, who will freak if you use it.”

Nodding slowly, Cristina scanned the bathroom quickly.

“When you’re done you can rummage through April’s closet and grab something to wear. Her room is right there,” I said as I pointed towards her room. “Anything else?”

“Uh nope. Sounds swell to me.” Cristina said as she took a step towards the door.

“Do you want a drink?” I asked as I stepped into the hallway.

“Well aren’t you a good little hostess.” She teased.

I started down the hallway before she replied, “Black two sugars, thanks.”

“Black like your soul?” I said as I looked at her over my shoulder.

A wide smile spread across her face, “Exactly.” Backing into the bathroom, she shut the door and I heard the distinctive sound of the door not locking as I put on the kettle.

Pulling out a two bowls from out of the cabinet, one big one and one small glass one and placed them both on the bench. Grabbing some chocolate out of the cupboard and a bag of popcorn, I chucked them both on the bench. Moving across the kitchen I got the scissors and opened the chocolate and emptied its contents into the little glass bowl. In my experience when someone was sad, regardless of gender, chocolate is always the go to. Pouring both our drinks, I left them next to the food and resumed my position on the couch. Switching the tv back on I found a game of baseball was just finishing, it only had about seven minutes left, which was pretty good timing.

The game finished and the ads ran for a few minutes before I heard the shower go off. Turning the tv off I jumped over the couch and into the kitchen. Putting the popcorn in the microwave, I then checked the temperature of our drinks, which were almost ready for consumption. As I began walking back to the couch the bathroom door opened. Turning my head, I looked down the hallway to watch Cristina emerge from the bathroom with a towel, my towel the only thing on her body.

I had to stop thinking about her in that way, I used to but I did stop. Well I didn’t really stop stop, but I pushed her away from my main thought streams anyway. As she plodded towards April’s room, oblivious to me standing, unmoving, watching I marvelled at her. Tight soft curls sprung from her hair and hung down her back and over her shoulder, hiding some of her face. They were wet so they were darker than usual; it was darker than a night without stars. Suddenly she was out of my view.

‘Shut up Jackson. You got over this.’ I told myself. Plonking myself down on the couch I held my head in my hands, why did tonight of all nights have to be the one night that both April and Alex are on the nightshift, and will not be home for hours.

I jumped as the microwave started beeping at me, of course the popcorn. Once again getting up from the couch, I headed towards the kitchen, opened the microwave and was wowed at my immense skills. Pouring the perfectly cooked popcorn into the bowl, I turned towards the bin.

Cristina was standing in front of me wearing one of my shirts and a pair of April’s trackpants. My shirt was too big on her so she had knotted it at the back and it was a lot tighter at the front.

Taking my stare to mean something different she hurriedly said, “April has pretty ugly clothes. Do you mind?”

Forgetting how to speak for a moment I stammered, “Uh, no, yeah, no, it’s fine, totally a-okay.”

“Okay…” she replied, still sceptical. “This mine?” she said pointing to her coffee.

Regaining some of my composure I replied, “Yeah. And I got some food out in case you were hungry.”

A strange look passed over her face and she stared at me for a moment before answering, “Thanks. I’m just going to grab my clothes, thought I could warm them by the fire.” Placing her cup on the bench, she headed off to grab them.

First, I took the food, placing it on the coffee table with the tv in front and the fireplace to the side and then I took our drinks. Lifting the lid of one of the stools, I pulled out a blanket just in case she was cold and placed that on the couch. Then I grabbed two wooden stools and placed them in front of the fire to hang her clothes off.

 

“Good thing you have a fire.” Cristina remarked from behind me, making me jump. She held in her arms her towel, my towel with her wet clothes resting on it.

“Need a hand?” I quickly asked as I extended out my hand.

“Sure.” She replied as she handed me her jeans. I draped those over the chair as she draped her top, scarf and then her matching lingerie, both blood red and lacy. Which did nothing to change my mind-set nor did it help me to push thoughts out of my mind. Gesturing to the couch, I walked behind her, picked up the blanket, and handed it to her as I sat down.

 “Thanks.” She said sincerely, as she picked up her coffee and rested it in her palm. I switched the television on again and handed her the remote, whatever I picked she would probably moan about and inevitably take over anyway, I was just skipping a few steps. She went through the channels and finally decided on an old thriller that only had twenty minutes to go.

 

Fifteen minutes later we had finished all of the food and both of our drinks and we sat watching, waiting for the next development. The black and white picture somehow makes the movie more daunting as suddenly a face popped out from underneath the bed and Cristina shrieked and grabbed my arm.  Tensing slightly I try to focus on the movie. A few minutes later, the chainsaw whirs again and she buries her face into my shoulder, strange that she picked this movie, knowing what it entailed.

As the credits roll she sits up again and switches the tv off. Almost as an afterthought, she turns to me and asks, “Is there anything you wish to watch?”

“No, it’s all crap tonight anyway.” I replied. She pulled off the blanket and placed it on the empty armchair next to her.

“Why did you want to find Alex?” I asked, trying to get her to say something, at least tell me why she came here in the first place.

“Mere was busy.” She mumbled, staring down at her hands, a strange expression on her face,

“And Alex?” I inquired.

“He’s my backup. But he’s busy too I guess.” She replied. They all seemed to have a pretty firm friendship, Mere and Cristina were inseparable but Alex had always been one of them and then April and I joined.

“So who was next on list then?” I asked, still wanting to know what happened.

“Alcohol.” She said with a smirk, this time she looked me in the eye.

“Cristina?” I prompted, she needed to tell someone, obviously, why else would she be here.

“Owen cheated.” She said flatly. My expression immediately changed but I forced myself to switch it back to neutral when I saw her face twitch slightly. “He cheated.” She repeated, almost as if she didn’t quite believe it.

“Are you okay?” I asked, now I knew why she looked so distraught in the hallway. This revelation just explained why she looked ready to cry and was desperate to talk to someone.

“He cheated. So I left him. I’m done.” She said clearly, with an air of finality. She was done, she had decided. That was that. When Cristina made up her mind, it stayed that way.

“Cristina...” I began but she interrupted me.

“It’s pretty hot in here.” She mumbled underdoing the top button of my dress shirt she was wearing.

“Not really.” I answered, watching her hands closely.

“Do you have it this hot to prepare you for hell?” she asked me, scanning me up and done, thinking. Her eyes unfocussed but not glazed over, just contemplating.

“Actually no, I put more kindling in to get it hot enough in here to try melt your heart.” I quipped, and as I talked, I watched a grin cover Cristina’s face. I smiled to match her smile, she looked happy, well as happy as she could be when her marriage was falling apart and she had just found out that the love of her life cheated on her.

“Didn’t realise I still had one.” She replied.

“It’s there in a literal sense.” I answered, and moved closer to her.

“So I don’t have a heart in an emotional sense?” Cristina asked me in a feigned hurt tone as she turned, with her legs crossed in front of her to face me.

“It’s there when it needs to be Cristina.” I replied, turning my body to face hers and inching closer to her. I folded one leg in front of me, so that our knees touched and I let the other hang down the side of the couch.

“Like when?” She said as she leaned even closer, so close that I could feel her hot breath on my face.

“Like now.” I answered as I placed one hand on her thigh and the other running through her hair.

“Now?” Leaning close to me, she whispered, not into my ear but almost into my mouth.

“Without a heart you wouldn’t feel this.” I whispered as I pulled her into me and kissed her. It wasn’t a heat of the moment sort of kiss that looked like I was eating her face but it was a kiss of two years’ worth of feelings, on my behalf anyway. Instead of pulling away, Cristina grabbed the side of my face and kissed back, using her tongue to gain entry just before I pulled away.

Pulling her head back only a touch, so it was mere centimetres from my face she whispered, “You do realise you kissed my lips not my emotions.”

Smiling I moved my hand further up her leg and I bowed my head slightly and whispered into her ear, “It’s not that hot in here.”

Pulling my head back, I watched her face trying to decipher what I had said and trying not to focus too much on my rising hand. “Huh?” was all she managed to breathe out.

“You’re not red from the heat of the room that’s all I’m saying.” I remarked a wide smirk spreading across my face.

Her eyes flickered playfully and she inched her body closer to me and said in a shocked tone, “You saying, I’m hot for you?”

“If that’s how you want to put it, then sure.” I said as my hand slowly ascended her thigh.

Bringing her hands to the bottom of my shirt and pulling it over my head she threw it onto the ground and then hovered over my lips for a second. Looked me in the eye and whispered, “Kiss me again and find out.”

Her hands rose to my hips and she pushed me backwards, so that I was lying on the couch. She climbed on top of me as I started unbuttoning the shirt, my shirt, that she was wearing and said, “Alright I will.”

**...**

Her hands rose to my hips and she pushed me backwards, so that I was lying on the couch. She climbed on top of me as I started unbuttoning the shirt, my shirt, that she was wearing and said, “Alright I will.”

My hands were through her hair, as I kissed her more urgently this time. Her tongue ran across my lip, forcing her way in in a matter of seconds. My hands moved from her hair as I lowered them down her back, then placing them on her hips as she moved her pelvis against mine. Using her hand she slowly unzipped my jeans and peeled them down, reaching inside my briefs.

As soon as she got contact skin on skin contact, my body was on fire. All of me wanting to continue to let her kiss me, to let me do things, to let her do things but one thing was preventing me. “Cristina.” I muttered.

“Yes.” She half moaned into my ear, while her hands moved to pull off her top.

“Stop.” I half whispered, unsure why I was saying it, wishing that I wasn’t.

Immediately she sat up and slid to the end of the coach, sitting silently as she did up the buttons I had just unbuttoned.

“Cristina.” I said as I zipped and buttoned my jeans and then slid over to sit right up against her.

“Why?” She sulked. She turned to face me, her eyes searching mine.

Resting my hand on her thigh I muttered, “You’re married.”

Shifting her face closer to mine, she whispered, “Not anymore.”

Pulling my face back, I said slowly and clearly, “You still are though. He cheated but he is still your husband.”

“So what, this is my revenge sex?” she yelled, moving back to the edge of the seat and staring into the kitchen.

“Is it?” I asked, my eyes watching her, trying to assess any small changes, any tell-tale signs.

Titling her head, she looked at me and then moved back over this time grabbing my hands in hers. “God no, Jackson, this isn’t that.”

“Maybe not yet, but in the morning it will be.” I muttered my eyes plastered to the ground. This is not how I planned to say that, I wanted to say things differently, to appear nonchalant but once again, I let my feelings get the better of me.

Letting go of my right hand she touched my chin, stroked it softly and moved my head up so that my gaze locked with hers. “This isn’t a random impulse Jackson. I’ve wanted this, I want this. I want you.” She whispered. Still unsure of my reaction she gave me a quick kiss and then stood up.

“Where are you going?” I almost yelled so many thoughts, so many emotions running through my head at the same time. Unsure what was real anymore and what was imagination.

“You were right.” She answered as she walked towards the fire and picked her jeans off the stool, trying to gauge whether or not they were still wet.

“I, was, uh, right. About what exactly?” I stammered, nervous as hell about the next words that came out her mouth.

Turning her back to me she took my shirt off and started to get changed, she said, “I am still married. I need to go get myself a divorce.”

“Oh.” I breathed. As she pulled her top over her bra and started to take April’s track pants off.

“I can feel your eyes on my ass Avery.” She said with slight amusement in her voice, she didn’t seem in anyway ticked off by this. She almost seemed pleased.

“Is that supposed to be a bad thing?” I answered back, a smile spreading across my face.

“Well now the fire ain’t the hottest thing in the room, it’s me.” She replied as she turned, fully dressed to face me and chucked my shirt back. “My present to you, it got to touch what you didn’t.” she said with a smirk.

“That’s mean.” I said. Standing up I walked over to her as she wrapped her coat around her shoulders. “You don’t have to go.” I murmured.

Pausing for a moment, she scanned me up and down, bit her bottom lip and replied, “Yeah, I really do.”

Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her into a deep kiss. Then I whispered into her ear, “Something to remember me by.”

As she tied the laces on her shoes up again she stared into space for a few minutes. I stood with my hands in my pocket, still and silent. Finally, she looked up at me, both shoes on her feet. Grabbing her bag, she opened the door and turned to face me. “This was fun we have to do it again.” She said.

“Yeah.” Was all I said in response.

“Well more or less this, hopefully more.” She remarked leaning against the doorframe.

“Okay.” I said, staring straight at her but thinking, not watching.

“Jackson?” she asked, her eyes pleading for some response, affirmation perhaps.

“Yes.” I replied bringing my full attention to her voice, to her standing my doorway.

“How did you know?” she asked me, a smile across her face. I was right, she was wrong. This was a seldom occurrence for her. I would love to relish the moment, but I had absolutely no clue as to what she was referring to.

“I just did.” I answered, trying to remain vague.

“You were, uh, right.” She almost whispered the last word.

Laughing I answered smugly, “I usually tend to be. You will have to get used to that.”

“I will. Goodbye Jackson.” She said as she stepped outside into the corridor, shutting the door behind her.

I stood still, listening to her footsteps as they went down the hall. I heard the stairwell door swing open and then shut behind her and the pitter pat of her going down the stairs. Only then did I dare to move, to breath and to speak, “Goodbye Cristina.” I said to my empty apartment.

Running over to the window that looked out onto the street, I pulled the curtain back slightly and rubbed my hand against the window, trying to see out of it. I stood there, hunched over the window, waiting for her to come out of the front door. I was so focussed on the present job at hand I didn’t hear anything else.

“What are you doing?” a voice startled me from behind.

Dropping the curtain, I jumped and looked behind me.

“A little bit creepy don’t you think?” Cristina asked her arms wrapping around my waist.

“I didn’t hear the door.” I pondered aloud, bringing my hand up to push a strand of hair, which had fallen onto her face, behind her ear.

“That is because I was stealth.” She said with a cheeky grin spreading across her face.

“Of course you were. The ultimate ninja.” I teased, my fingers absentmindedly playing with her hair. My whole body aching was for more, desperate to kiss her, to touch her, to do anything and everything.

“Jackson.” She whispered as she leant her head against my chest. I moved my hand and pulled her in for a hug. I knew she hated them, but it was instinct. I tightly wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin on the top of her head.

“Yes.” I muttered. I closed my eyes and just focussed on breathing in and out. Cristina’s body was so relaxed, I had expected her to be slightly tense, as usually she hated this. But then again this evening wasn’t exactly normal, in most respects.

“I couldn’t let this be a late night thing, where I was sad and you know.” She said, loosening her grip, indicating she wished to pull back.

Moving my arms, I let them lay beside my body, limp as I quickly constructed a reply, something that didn’t purely consist of uhm. After a few seconds I decided on, “So what is this then.” I asked, timidly, almost not wanting an answer, unless it was a very specific one.

“More than a late night hook-up.” She started then grabbed my hands and wrapping my arms around her waist and then she continued, “This is more than that. I don’t quite know what though.”

Listening only to her words and not the thoughts in my head I bent down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. “You need to go.” I muttered, then repeated it more loudly, “You have to go.” As I let go of her and took a step back.

Her face drew a blank, so while shoving my hands in my pockets I explained, “If you stay much longer, I should not be held accountable for my actions. 20 more seconds in my apartment and your clothes are coming off.”

Biting her lip involuntarily, she turned and walked to the door, once again hovering in the doorway. “See you tomorrow Jackson.” She said as she stepped into the hallway. Then stopped. Almost as an afterthought, she turned to face me and remarked, “Probably best this stays between us for now.”

Hesitating for a second, I nodded and then blurted out an, “Ok.”

Shutting the door behind herself, I once again heard her make her way to the stairwell and then the sound of the door and then I heard her descending the stairs. Thinking for a moment, I was deciding whether or not I should go to the window. I thought only for a brief moment as I could come up with no counter-argument.

Reaching the window I began lifting the curtain and then I pushed my face against the glass, trying to get a good view of the street below. In the dark, I saw someone walk out of the building. I saw the top of her head and her dark coat wrapped around her, a speck of white protruding from the top of it. Looking up at me, she blew me a kiss, and a wide smile spread across Cristina’s face and a matching one forming on mine. This was not good; this was not good at all.

Letting the curtain fall I grabbed my shirt off the ground, not the one Cristina wore but the one that she ripped off me. After pulling it over my head, I grabbed the empty cups and bowls, dumped them in the sink and headed back into the lounge.

Plonking myself down on the couch, I put my feet up on the coffee table and leant backwards, arms crossed. They say that life changes, in an instant that it turns on a dime. Tonight is the perfect embodiment of this. Who would think 2 years after I kissed her at a party that this would happen. A lot had happened in those two years. So much has changed. People have changed, people have died, people have left, and people have arrived. So much had changed but yet my feelings sure as hell hadn’t. They had remained the same, stationary, after all this time. I forgot how much I wanted this, wanted her.

But there is a massive difference in saying that you will leave your husband, that you will divorce him and actually doing it. This is Cristina though, if she says it than it will happen. She over analyses most things, so she must have been pretty firm in her decision to state it out loud and then make out with me on a couch, forcing me to stop things progressing while she was still married. But then perhaps I was the exception to the rule, maybe tonight was different for her than all others. Maybe she would come to regret all this when the sun rose in the morning.

I was friends with Owen, well not exactly friends, but he was my boss. He was the chief and he could make life very painful for me if he found out any of this. I hope that Cristina doesn’t mention it, odds on she won’t, she has never been one to share personal details. But then this is her husband, and there is no doubt about whether she will or won’t tell Meredith, she tells her everything. She will know.

Tonight was the most open I had ever seen Cristina. Usually she wouldn’t tell me anything of the sort, let alone almost cry in front of me. People called her a robot, but she wasn’t, she isn’t. She cares, she feels, she just finds it easier to cut people off, to seem cold and distance as then it can trick others into thinking that she was made that way. She is not a robot, nor is she cold or distance. Or at least that is what I think anyway, I could be wrong. But like I said, I rarely am.

People are like seasons, and she is most definitely an autumn, windy and cold at times but still beautiful. 


	2. Long Time No See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years have passed since those feelings even existed, haven't they?   
> An introduction to Cristina's pov as well...

**Jackson Avery’s POV:**

It had been three days since that night, since Tuesday night. In those three days very little changed in my life. It was the same as it always was, on the outside at least. Although I think that the last three days has not been smooth sailing for Cristina, but I haven’t properly talked to her in three days so I’m entirely sure. The nurses have been abuzz with the news of Dr Yang and Dr Hunt hostilities in the OR over the last three days. Apparently it has been tense between them for a few weeks, well much longer than that, overly awkward of late, and that was before she came crying to my front door. These problems began long ago and with each passing day, it just got worse and worse, especially after she discovered he cheated on her.  It reached its peak this afternoon when Cristina kicked him out of her OR for doubting her surgical decision, which sent her over the edge. Teddy still hates Owen, so she backed Cristina up without a second of hesitation.

I would feel sorry for Owen, I think, I would never have taken his side but I would have felt sympathy for him, he was alone. But then again he cheated on Cristina so why should anyone really care, he put himself in that position. Although that’s just my opinion. Which may be ever so slightly bias considering what happened three days ago, on Tuesday, its Friday now.

On Wednesday by lunch time rumours began to fly, first from the nurses and then of course from the interns, but nobody really listened to them. The rumours have been circulating for a while, about Cristina and Owen but on Wednesday two things changed. My interest in the rumours and also Cristina’s attitude towards Owen. As usual the interns were speculating a million different theories all of which that I have heard are far off the mark. Not one single rumour that has passed through my ears has even breached the remote possibility of the truth. That he cheated.

I haven’t talked to her since Tuesday night, which was actually kind of Wednesday morning by the time she left. We haven’t been avoiding each other, well at least I haven’t. For the past three days, I have been stuck in the burn unit, practically living there, where Cristina a cardio god in training would have no reason to be.

On the rare opportunity I actually left the burn unit and swung by the cafeteria she was never there. According to the OR board she was in surgery after surgery almost all of Wednesday, Thursday and today. Normally the Chief would check and make sure that they were still functioning properly, but with that personal agenda, it just wasn’t an option. Him bringing it up the first time got him asked politely but bluntly to leave, only hours before he was kicked out of another surgery. He was treading on eggshells on any cardio case now. But he had dug his own hole where Cristina was concerned.

On Wednesday when I made it to the cafeteria for afternoon tea, I found Meredith and April sitting there deep in discussion, but nothing serious, well it was, but nothing about Cristina. Sitting down I said hello and listened to April rattling on about boards for a few minutes before Alex interrupted. He sounded absolutely exhausted when he reached us, he tried to whisper to Mere but with his lack of oxygen he just sounded hoarse but clear, “Its Cristina, you have to go. Now. Go.” A shocked and distressed look on Mere’s face as she rushed off told me that she didn’t know yet and the look on Alex’s face told me that he knew some, but just the tip of the iceberg. Judging by April’s expression, she had no clue. Then I left.

On Friday lunchtime when I finally re-emerged from the burn unit and made my way to the cafeteria at a respectable hour I saw Alex and Mere huddled over whispering to each other desperately, both looking worried and distraught. Even from 10 metres away, I could tell it wasn’t about the boards.

Standing in the middle of the cafeteria, I wasn’t really sure if I should go over to them or to head back. Luckily I decided to join them, this is how that went:

_“Hey, whats up?” I asked as I sat down sandwich in one hand, a coffee in the other._

_“Hey Jackson.” Mere breathed, unsure of how to answer._

_“Just tell him. Half the hospital knows already Mere.” Alex commanded._

_Darting her eyes side to side, checking around her she leant towards me and whispered, “How much do you know?”_

_Exchanging a look with Alex, I forced a confused expression on my face and answered, “About what?”_

_Checking behind her shoulder she whispered, “About Owen cheating on Cristina.”_

_“What?” I exclaimed, causing people from a few tables near us to turn and look. Ignoring them I continued my feigned shock, this time in a quieter tone, “When?”_

Mere went on and updated me and Alex also as he obviously didn’t know bits of the puzzle. She informed us both that Cristina had barely talked to him since Tuesday, only at work and only about work. She also said that she had filed for divorce. Which made Alex comment, “Blimey that was fast.” To which Mere said, “It has been coming for a long time. And after what he did, it was due.” She never elaborated on that, as it was obviously the cheating, well as far as I knew. I did notice how she left details out, I only noticed as I knew some things already she didn’t say. Also she reported facts but never feelings. She either didn’t know herself or just didn’t want to share it with us, seeing Cristina was her person I assumed it was the latter.

She never once hinted that she knew anything about Tuesday night between Cristina and I. Even when Alex got paged to the pit she never mentioned anything, which made me assume that she simply didn’t know. But then again maybe she didn’t want me to know that she knew. Oh I don’t know. Everything was so complicated. Why did it have to be so complicated? I had my boards coming up now was not the time for drama, of any sort.

 

All of these thoughts passed through my head as I drove to Mere’s house, she had called Alex, April and me over. Early, it was very early Saturday morning, and after a night shift at the hospital, I just wanted to crash. I had been up for hours and I was driving straight to Mere’s house from work. But she sounded urgent, I do have some time.

As the sun rose behind me, I reached her driveway and parked outside. Yawning I pulled my bag off the passenger seat, shut the door and locked the car. Making my way up the drive I saw Alex’s car parked there, Mere’s was probably in the garage. I slung my bag over my shoulder as I walked up the steps. Ignoring the bell, I opened the door, stepping inside and yelled, “Hello?”

“Jackson, we’re right here.” April replied. I turned to my left and found Alex and April sitting on the couch staring up at Meredith.

“What is this?” I asked, stepping forward looking at the sheet behind her and the felt tips in her hands.

“Take a seat.” Mere replied, a wide smile on her face. She looked much too enthusiastic at this time in the morning, Alex looked barely conscious and April was her usual chipper morning self, but Mere was not a morning person. At least she wasn’t when I lived here, which wasn’t too long ago.

Mere began talking as we all yawned, she was rattling on about some Grey Method and telling us that we were to stay here and study, that none of us were going to fail our boards. There was a knock on the door and we all turned as Mere went to get it. We could hear muffled voices as we sat still waiting, for the new comer to reveal himself or herself.

“So let’s get started.” Mere said as she came into view, Cristina standing next to her with a blank expression on her face and a pen in her hand.

We studied together for about 2 hours, quizzing each other, learning, teaching each other. It was great, Mere was right, we weren’t going to fail. Together we could do this. This stupid Grey Method was going to make us pass the boards. The sun was still rising, and most of the world was asleep when Mere and April pagers beeped.

“Keep studying. Or grab some stuff to bring back. Ok?” Mere instructed us as she picked up her coat, grabbed her car keys out of the bowl and headed outside. Opening the front door I could hear her sigh, “Alex, move you damn car.” She yelled.

“I should probably get to work, see you two later.” Alex said to Cristina and I, as he stood up, grabbed his bag and with heavy footsteps followed Mere and April outside slamming the door on his way out.

We were alone. Just the two of us, in this big empty house, ignoring that fact entirely we kept studying for another few hours before my eyes started to shut and Cristina’s stomach rumbled.

“You need to eat.” I said resting my head on the table with my eyes closed. My head was full of medical crap, that I know I would need but I could feel it tumbling out of my ear, with each second I lost more.

“You need to sleep.” She replied. We needed to talk, I think. About what happened, about what might happen. What will change between us, if anything will change. Or was she just ignoring me, to try and give me a message, that I was just too thick to get.

My eyes opened immediately, my head swiftly raised off the table. A book sat in front of me and a laughing Cristina stood only an arm distance away from me.

“Wow, you are hilarious.” I remarked, slowly standing up and scanning the room to find my bag.

“Yeah I… what are you looking for?” She asked me as I stumbled around the lounge. Bending down I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder once again.

“I need to get stuff. From home.” I muttered, pulling my shoes onto my feet. Yanking the keys out of my front pocket and took a step towards the door.

Taking a step towards me, she grabbed my keys out of my open palm. “You can’t drive. You are exhausted.”

“I am…” I started but when I saw the expression on her face I knew better than to argue. “Fine, sure. You can drive. Don’t you have your own car?”

Chucking me back my keys, I stretched to catch them, which warranted an impressed look on Cristina’s face as she walked out of the house and stood expectantly by the door. “Well hurry up.” She said.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked her as I wandered onto the porch. Were we going to talk about it? Or pretend nothing happened? I know which one I wanted, but it was impossible to read Cristina Yang, her thoughts were her own and they would stay that way as long as she wanted them to.

“To lock the house. Were you raised by wolves?” she remarked as she stepped back inside switched the alarm on, stepped out and locked the door behind her.

We walked in silence down the drive, I thought of saying something when we passed the next tree but by the time we did I lost my confidence. Why was this such a big deal? She stopped in front of her car, I walked round to the passenger seat and waited expectantly. She searched through her handbag for a minute then pulled out her car keys.

“Get in.” she said as she unlocked the doors. She sat down, chucked her handbag on the backseat and placed her key in the ignition. Leaning over I placed my bag on top of hers. “Do you mind if we stop off at my apartment on the way?” she asked as she pulled away from Mere’s house.

“The firehouse?” I asked, staring out the window. What did all of this mean?

“Yeah that’s it.” She answered. The radio was off. I contemplated turning it on but then that gave less chance of the silence pressuring either one of us to talk. We sat in silence for about 3 minutes before she broke, although I opened my mouth the same time she did. Luckily she was focused on the road, as the driver should be so she didn’t even notice.

“I asked for a divorce.” She said flatly, eyes on the road she continued, “I filed for one. Signing the papers tomorrow.”

I took a silent deep breath and gathered my thoughts before I responded, “That was fast.”

“I called her Wednesday lunchtime. I thought calling her at the butt crack of dawn wouldn’t be the best way to start off with a lawyer, considering she would be fast asleep, not the smartest person to piss off.” She replied, still no change in body movement.

Instead of out the windows my eyes rested on her the entire time she spoke, her voice remained constant but maybe she would give some tell in her body language or something

“Oh.” I breathed onto the window in front of me. Looking down I stared down at my hands, which I was clasping together, trying to maintain some level headedness, I tried to keep my attention on my hands, so I could push other thoughts out of my head. I was failing, miserably. Tearing my gaze away from my hands, it rested on Cristina.

“I wanted to get it done quickly.” Cristina said, eyes on the road, unflinching, no sign of expression on her face.

“Oh.” I breathed, again. I moved my head, one again staring out the window. Building after building went by, men and woman in suits walking quickly, striding with purpose; ordinary people in ordinary clothes wandering aimlessly, chatting, drinking and heading in and out of shops with numerous shopping bags in tow.

The car slowed down, the indicator began clicking and we slowly went to a halt. I turned to face her as she parked just in front of the firehouse. “Do you want me to..” I began but stopped as she shook her head ever so slightly.

“No. I’ll just be a few minutes.” She replied. Pulling her keys out of the ignition, she opened the door and climbed out. I watched her walk towards the door and I saw her pause. She had her key in the lock, her hand hovering over the handle. She shook her head again, reached her hand down and opened the door. As she shook her head hair fell from her messy bun and lay across her back. I loved her hair, it was beautiful and wild just like she was. There was so much that I loved about her. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t love her. Yet anyway.

Alone in the car I sat waiting as she stepped into the firehouse, shutting the door behind her. _Shut up_. I told myself, _You should be focussed on your boards._ To be perfectly honest I was, but not solely on my boards also on Cristina. For her it must be a difficult time, a huge understatement I know. We are all supposed to be studying for the most important exams in our entire medical careers, our futures are hanging in the balance and she is getting a divorce. Not the most ideal time, if there is any, for a marriage to fall apart.

**XX**

**Cristina’s POV:**

I shut the door behind me, trying to seem as normal as possible where Jackson could see me. I heard the door click shut and the key in my hand, the metal felt odd against my skin, I dropped it on the floor and stammered backwards. Hitting my back against the door, I slid downwards, the air in the room was so hot, it felt so wrong almost as if it was strangling me. My hair was done up too tightly, I frantically ripped it out, letting it fall around me, framing my face. Reaching the floor, I rested my head on my knees.

Why was this happening?I felt sick. Looking around me, at our house, at our home, the life we had built together. Downstairs there was barely any sign of us, of the little things we bought to make this place home. The things we needed, we wanted, things that we just had to have. I was nauseous just looking at the shoe rack, our shoes side by side. I just dumped mine on the floor when I came home, but Owen would put them away when he came home. Here they were lying on the floor where we had left them, they had been there for weeks.

Why did it always end like this. Me feeling like I was suffocating, last time I was standing eyebrowless in a wedding dress with a choker necklace suffocating me, this time I was knocked down by a bloody shoe rack. I said that I wouldn’t lose bits of myself again, that I wouldn’t do what I didn’t want to do, Burke took pieces of me, Owen took pieces of me. Would I ever be able to get those pieces back?

It took me so long to recover after the whole Burke disaster and here I was again. I had changed, and not entirely for the better I might add. Owen wanted to get married, I was wreck and I agreed. I didn’t mind though. But then he wanted a baby, I didn’t, I don’t. You can’t have half a baby. Acid shot up my throat as that memory returned. All that fighting, the yelling, the screaming. What came next was worse, the silence. The unbearable silence. Silence everywhere I looked. The silence that turned my home into a prison. Why did this keep happening to me?

Jesus Christ! There was a knock on the door behind and I jumped, hitting my head on the door handle. “Shit!” I exclaimed, rubbing my head with my hand. “Oh crap.” I muttered. Now whoever was on the other side of that door would know I was here. Taking a deep breath, I lowered my hand and stood up. I swung open the door, with a small sad smile on my face, it was the best I could do.

“Cristina” Jackson said taking a step towards me. Without hesitation he pulled me into a hug. I stood still for a moment, paused, forgetting the normal response. His arms that were wrapped around me were the only thing keeping me from falling to the ground. Without a response, he started to pull back, realising that this may not have been the best idea, “Sorry.” He muttered, looking embarrassed.

“Don’t stop.” I said quickly, wrapping my arms around him. I rested my head against his chest and felt a wave of relaxation pass over me, I wasn’t happy, but I felt comforted. Something that only Mere could do, well Owen used to be able to as well, but I couldn’t think about that. After about a minute, I let go and pulled back slightly, getting my hint he unwrapped his arms from around me and took a step back.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked, stepping backwards, into my uh, ex-home. Giving no reply, he followed after me, shutting the door behind himself. I saw him scan around the well entranceway I guess you could call it, his eyes taking note of everything. Leading the way, I slowly walked up the stairs not wanting to reach the top, but not wanting to stop.

I thought I felt sick before, but now I felt like the world was spinning. Like someone had cut out large sections of my bowel and other various body parts. This was our home, our happy place, our retreat. So many memories were formed here, some horrific ones but mainly good ones. The horrible memories were louder and clearer than the good ones, but wasn’t that always the way?

“Are you okay?” Jackson asked, standing next to me on the top step. He was watching me with a concerned look. He looked ready, prepared for something, like catching me when I fell down these stairs.

Saying nothing, I nodded slowly, I couldn’t lie right now, words had failed me. Striding forward I headed to the closest to get my bags so that I could pack and leave this hell hole. But something stopped me, out of the corner of my eye, I could see something. I turned abruptly, staring at the empty place. There was nothing I could see, and then I realised it wasn’t an object but a memory that had caught my attention.

Walking over, I squatted down, and stared at the floor, running my fingers along it, I couldn’t feel anything. He must have cleaned it up. Dropping onto my stomach, I looked underneath the cabinet, sticking my hand underneath, I pulled out a small shard of glass. All that was left I the glass I was holding when he told me. Lucky I dropped it. Otherwise I think I might have thrown it at him, lucky for him at least.

Standing up, I turned to see Jackson standing behind me with a questioning look on his face, he didn’t want to pry but it was obvious he wanted to know. I opened my mouth to speak but behind him I could see the coffee table, the couch, the living room, the kitchen. Memories came flooding back to me, new ones, old ones, clear ones, foggy ones, distant ones that I had forgotten, suppressed ones I never wanted to ever see again. I couldn’t take it anymore.

These memories were suffocating me. I had to get out. Dropping the shard of glass, I ran past Jackson and down the stairs. I could hear his footsteps behind me, his voice calling my name, but I just couldn’t take it in here anylonger. Leaning down, I picked my key off the ground as I ran out the front door.

I was starving and tired and a number of other things, but none of that was important now. Now I just had to get out of here, get as far away from here as physically possible. I ran towards my car, but turned left, my feet pounding against the pavement. My breathing was heaving, my coat mademe hot and these shoes burned my feet, but still I ran. I ran past buildings, past people.

Through intersections, down alleyways; on the pavement, on the road and then on grass. I could hear Jackson beside me, his breathing was light and easy, this was no stress to him. I pushed harder, not to escape him, but to move faster. Blood was pumping through my body, my head was thumping and I felt like me legs were going to collapse underneath me. I knew that if I stopped, I would collapse to the ground.

“Cristina, stop.” Jackson said again, this time his voice was clear, no longer drowned out by the screaming in my head. I wasn’t ready to stop and I certainly wasn’t going to do what he told me to do.

I could tell that he was concerned, his tone was full of worry, but I needed a few more minutes. I had to keep pushing myself, I was afraid to stop. Turning left, I picked up my pace again, my heart was beating faster than it had ever done before, my legs burned, each step more painful, but my brain had no desire to stop. My legs screamed, they pleaded with me, begging me to slow down, to sit down.

Answering their cries I stopped. I stood still for a second, before collapsing onto the ground. Feeling the heat all around me, I ripped off my jacket and lay on my back looking up at the clouds that thankfully covered the sun.

“What was that all about?” Jackson asked, dropping down beside me, placing his jacket on top of mine.

“I had to get out.” I replied, my eyes closed. I kicked my shoes off my feet and sprawled out across the grass. My heart was still beating out of control, my legs still in pain but my head had finally shut up.

“Yeah, you did that about 3 miles ago.” He lowered himself down, put his hands behind his head and lay down beside me. I turned my head back to the sky and shut my eyes again. Not knowing how to reply to that I kept silent, waiting for him to continue. He said nothing for the next few minutes, and I felt partially obliged to break the silence.

“I’m sorry.” I said sitting up, and drawing my legs towards me. They were still sore, and they would stiff in the morning, but they felt comfortable with my arms draped around them.

“For what? I enjoy brisk jogging, especially in jeans.” He replied, his eyes staring at the clouds above us.

“I just couldn’t take it in there.” I didn’t quite know why I was telling him this, but I needed to. It wasn’t that I had to just get it out, but I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him.

He titled his head in my direction, still looking mildly concerned and also worried. The most beautiful, soft expression was on his face and all I wanted to do was kiss him, but I knew I had to talk not do.

“I was…” I gestured to my throat, “suffocating in there.” I didn’t want to tell him about the memories, but part of my insisted so I just let it all flow out my mouth. “I felt sick. There was our stuff all around me, the stuff we brought together, the stuff we used. But it was more than that, it wasn’t just things, but memories. Happy ones were fading, drowned up by yelling and crying and silence. There was so much silence. It was in my head, in my body.” I was pulling at my top as I spoke, feeling like the trees were closing in on me.  I shut my eyes, tight together, trying to stop this from happening again, I couldn’t run again, I needed to calm down.

“Just breathe.” I opened my eyes, to find Jackson’s arms resting on my shoulders. His beautiful eyes were staring into mine, not a smile on his face, just a sad look of concern that made my insides melt and meant that it took every piece of me not to kiss him.

I was about to protest, or talk or do something, but I thought better of it. I moved my eyes from his and looked down at his chest. I began to breathe at the same time as him. I watched his chest rise and fall, rise and fall. Content with my breathing, I looked up at him again and smiled, this time a genuine smile.

“Thanks.” I said, a smile touched his face and he lowered his arms and stood up. Extending his hand out to me, I linked hands with him and he pulled me up. He passed me my jacket, but our hands stayed together. I had no desire to let go and obviously neither did he.

“Please tell me you know where we are.” He said after a few minutes of silent wandering, we had now reached the gate and were hopefully heading back to my car.

“Well sort of.” I replied, racking my brain for memories of me running, so that I could reverse the journey and get us back to my car.

“Great.” He smiled and squeezed my hand. I found that reassuring, although I don’t think it was meant to be. Even if we were lost it wouldn’t matter. And I did have a faint idea of where we were, but part of me wanted to get lost on purpose so that we could wander around for hours hand and hand, talking, laughing.

Forgetting about the world, the boards and the hospital. Crap, the hospital. My shift was going to start in… I pulled my phone out of my pocket with my free hand, about 3 hours, and I still had stuff to do.

“Come on, this way I think.” I said tugging at his hand, making him walk faster.

“Got somewhere you need to be Yang?” he asked, striding along next to me, his hand still firmly holding mine.

Glancing over at him I smiled, “Nowhere else I’d rather be.” A matching smile covered his face, making his green eyes sparkle, if it was even possible he looked even more gorgeous than before. “But I do have places I have to be.” I added.

“You and I both.” He replied, letting go of my hand. For a second I was shocked, until he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me towards him. I wrapped my arm around his back and hugged him back. He planted a kiss on the top of my hair and I looked up at him, “I’ve missed you.” He whispered.

“I missed you too.”


	3. Suffocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story continues, but will theirs...

**Cristina’s POV:**

It only took about 20 minutes to get back to my car, get back to the firehouse, my old home. I took one wrong turn, but Jackson barely knows this area so he didn’t notice, well I don’t think he did. We walked in silence most of the way, it was nice, it was comfortable. It wasn’t an awkward silence, it was just silence, but the good kind. I had a lot to think about, I didn’t really feel like talking and apparently neither did he. Either that or he was waiting for me to start the conversation.

“Well that didn’t take long.” Jackson said as we stopped outside the firehouse. We were holding hands now, we started about 10 minutes into our walk. We didn’t want to draw to much attention to ourselves, just in case we saw someone we knew but I for one didn’t want to stop touching him. The hand was all I got, so I held onto it tightly.

“I can’t go in.” I looked over at him, the smile on my face vanishing behind a veil of hurt and vulnerability. I hated feeling like this but it couldn’t be helped.

“You don’t have to.” He answered, rubbing his thumb along mine and squeezing my hand, trying to comfort me.

“But I need my stuff.” I sighed. I would just have to do it. I couldn’t become one of those people who were kicked down by all this emotional crap. My eyes still on Jackson I could see that he was deep in thought, trying to figure something else. I stepped forward but he held tightly onto my hand and remained rooted to the spot.

“You don’t have to go in.” he repeated, this time he was adamant, the thoughtful look had vanished, an idea how obviously struck him. What did he mean? Failing to get any ideas, I shot him a questioning look. “I’ll go in and get it for you.”

“Why?” I asked without hesitation. This was the perfect thing to say, I hadn’t even considered that possibility. Jackson was so great, so thoughtful like this, I had always known that, after been his friends for a few years I had experienced this sort of kindness before but never something like this. It was as if he knew how hard it was for me. Usually stuff like this didn’t affect me, but this wasn’t usually. Thanks to Owen, I was now a complete wreck. Again.

“It seems like an obvious solution.” He said plainly, letting go of my hand and taking a step towards the house. “What do you need?”

“Uhm… everything, anything. Whatever.” I replied wanting to take a step towards him, wanting to hug him, to kiss him, to thank him for this. But looking into his eyes I could tell he knew, he knew what this meant to me, I don’t know how but he just did.

“Anything that looks like yours, I’ll grab. Where do you keep your bags?” he was slowly backing towards the house, I could tell that he wanted to spend as little time as he could in there. Not sure if he didn’t want to risk running into Owen or simply because he had places to be, he did look pretty exhausted, and we still had to go to his flat to pick up some stuff.

“At the top of the stairs go left, then straight, then left at the table and then it’s the second door, cupboard, the bags on the floor are all mine, they are dark purple and red. Oh and grab some of my stuff from the bathroom as well.” I replied hurriedly, not entirely sure what I specifically wanted.

“Okay sure.” He turned and took a few steps forward before stopping and looking back at me, “key.” Remembering that I ran out in such a hurry, I assumed that Jackson must have locked it on his way out. Where did I put it? Oh right, I pulled it out of my back pocket and took it off my key ring and chucked it over to him. “Thanks.” He caught it and strode over to the door.

I couldn’t go back in there again, I couldn’t let my emotions get the better of me, I couldn’t… there was so much I couldn’t do anymore, everything was suddenly so much more difficult. Except for Jackson, he made it less difficult. He made things more clear, more cheerful, just all round better. Leaving the door open behind him I watched him ran up the staircase, and then disappear.

God Cristina, you can’t go from one relationship to another! I thought to myself.

I turned and started walking towards my car, still deep in thought. Jackson was so sweet and amazing, but why now. Why were all these feelings coming back now? I liked him a while ago, but I was with Owen and those feelings drowned them out. But now that’s over, oh I don’t know. I unlocked the door and climbed in. Shutting the door, I put my key in the ignition and leant over to turn the radio on. Ads, crap music, weather report, ads. Sighing, I turned it off and leant back against my seat and waited.

 

After about 10 minutes my eyes were glazed over and I was running through facts that I was supposed to be learning for the boards, it was probably best I used this time for studying not obsessing over Jackson. My eyes were still glued to the door and I could suddenly see Jackson walking down the stairs with about 7 bags, all of them looked like they were about to spill clothes out the sides, the zips weren’t done up the full way, mainly as there was probably no room. Bringing my full attention back to the world, I pulled my key out the ignition and jumped out of the car.

“Got enough stuff?” I yelled as Jackson made his way towards me, he looked even more exhausted, it wasn’t a look of, wow these bags are heavy, but more of a how much stuff do you have?

“This isn’t even half of it.” He was approaching me quickly, realising we needed to put these somewhere, I turned back to the car and went to open the boot. “You need to sift through this lot and tell me what else you need.” He dropped the bags into the boot and smiled at me, I no longer felt stressed out, I had enough stuff to last me weeks. “Oh right!” he had a sudden thought and ran back towards the house.

Opening the first bag, I emptied it out slowly checking that all the stuff was indeed mine. Jackson returned to my side, a few minutes later with more bags in tow and half a dozen pairs of shoes in his hands. Placing them down on top of my pile of clothes I had just laid down he asked, “Is this enough?”

Smiling up at him, I felt there was no need to give an answer. It was almost overflowing, not much more would fit, anything else would have to go in the backseat. “Thanks.” I said simply, there wasn’t much else to say, and I didn’t think a hug would really be appropriate, especially since neither of us would want to let go.

“Your key.” He extended his hand outwards, and I placed my palm against him, feeling a wave of energy surge through me, avoiding the hug was a good idea, I think it would have quickly progressed to more than a hug. My self-control with matters like this is pretty limited. I connected my ex-house key back onto my key ring and got into the car. Placing the key back in the ignition, I put my seat belt on and looked over at him.

“So where to?” I asked, I knew where he lived but part of me didn’t want to go back there just yet. The last time I was there, I lost control, in a good way and part of me still wishes he didn’t have enough decency to stop me, but another part of me is glad he did. I want to wait until my divorce is final, that way I won’t be cheating on Owen and that Jackson isn’t an affair, and he certainly isn’t a rebound.  Going back to Jackson’s flat would almost certainly mean I lost control again and judging by the way he was currently looking at me, he wouldn’t stop me this time.

“Jerry’s on Gyzer Street.” He replied, his green eyes watching me, almost as if he was taking note of every detail of me, he was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

“Huh?” Weren’t we going to his flat to pick up his stuff? That was the original point of this outing. He was too tired to drive and he wanted to get his stuff so why were we going to Jerry’s? Which was either a café or someone’s house, not entirely sure. Pulling out into the traffic, I drove off to this unknown Jerry’s.

“Lunch. It’s about time to get something to eat. I was hungry before that nice stroll in the park or should I say run.” Jackson smiled. I knew that he was exhausted, he had massive bags under his eyes and several times on the walk back I saw him stiflea yawn. He didn’t want to eat, well maybe he did, he wanted to sleep, he just knew I wanted to eat. How could I not feel the way I do about him? It just wouldn’t make sense not to.

“Well if you insist.” I was starving, he knew I was starving, especially as just after I spoke my stomach rumbled again. Choosing to ignore it I continued, “If you’re insisting we eat out then it’s your duty as a man to pay.”

A smirk covered Jackson’s face, showing all of his beautiful teeth, out of the corner of my eye I could see his face light up, which forced me to smile back at him his smile was contagious.

“You don’t believe in that.” He knew me so well, we had been friends for years, always with an edge of something else but I was with Owen and he was with Lexie, so it never amounted to anything. But now, we, well I was almost divorced and he is single, so when I signed the papers, we could hopefully be something more. God, that’s all I could think about since Tuesday. I could concentrate of my surgeries but that was about it.

Oh crap, I needed to answer him. “Of course not. But if I get a free meal out of it why bother fussing.” I pulled up outside Jerry’s parked the car and pulled out my key. I turned to face Jackson, “So do we have a deal?”

“Guy’s always pay of the first date.” He turned and climbed out of the car leaving me in total shock. First date? Who ever said this was? Technically our first date was making out in my room a few years ago, or maybe when I visited him on Tuesday. But then, I guess this was our first date. Well that changed everything. He paused in front of the door, facing me, obviously waiting. How bad could it be?

I grabbed my bag off the backseat and walked over towards him, locking the car behind me. “Not too shabby.” I said joining him.

“Thought you would like it.” He said opening the door for me and with a wave of his hand gestured for me to enter. I paused for a moment to take it all in. It was, well, it was homey looking. It was weird, on the outside it looked a bit like an old English cottage. It was made of brown bricks, with a window box with hanging flowers. The outside tables, were mismatching and yet they seemed to fit perfectly together with one either, despite been a minimum of three years apart in age. The benches matched the table that it was attached to, but not the other benches or chairs. No-one was sitting outside as the wind was picking up a bit, but even through the window I could see that it was almost packed.

“I do.” I muttered walking in. this wasn’t a place that I would pick to come to, but something about it, I don’t really know how to describe it, I just liked it I guess. I would definitely have to take Mere here sometime. Usually this place would be something to ridicule from outside without looking in. There were no plates hanging on the wall, or creepy cat paintings on the walls, I couldn’t see any little statues of pigs or gnomes or cows, which were sometimes in great quantities in places like this.

Giving a quick scan of the room I saw mainly people my age, nobody that I knew but that was often the case in a busy city such as this. The walls were lined with paintings of seemingly local artists who wished to sell their art, even by just brushing my eyes over them as I stepped inside I could see many that I could do myself but also a selective few that I would love to admire after we ate. Which is most unusual as I’ve never been a big admirer of art before, I appreciate beauty but that often comes in a form of a person or in surgery.

“Where do you want to sit?” Jackson asked. I jumped as he startled me slightly, I was too busy adoring the mismatching chairs and tables, that were mostly contemporary with a few tasteful old pieces of furniture thrown in, the smell of oak in the air.

“There.” I replied, I stretched my arm out and pointed at two chairs near the corner of the room. There was a plush red cushion on a wooden oak chair with Celtic or some other carving on the side, the table matched it and the other chair was an emerald green with a wooden furnishing. They both looked awfully comfortable, plus it was one of the few tables that wasn’t squashed between tables full of people.

**...**

The queue at the counter was long, so we headed to sit down first, plus I really wanted to get to my seat before someone took it. Tugging at his hand I pulled him through the tables, than slumped down in the red chair, it was just as comfortable as I imagined. I couldn’t help but smile.

I looked over at Jackson and he was smiling, not entirely sure why though, but it was a smile that reached his eyes and made me really want to kiss him. “What do you want?” he asked me, glancing down at the menu.

“Surprise me!” I replied. I never wanted to get out of this chair, not for a while at least and anyway, food is food. Whatever I got would be anything better than I could do at home, plus he seemed to know me pretty well. I doubt he would manage to get something really disgusting. Probably.

“Seriously?” he sounded as if this was some big momentous gift of some form that he couldn’t believe he was receiving.

“As long as you get me a coffee.” I flicked my eyes over the menu. Nothing seemed too foul, I liked pretty much everything on there.

“You won’t sleep.” Jackson said, looking up at me from the menu, he seemed to know the menu off by heart, he gave it a quick flick before dropping it onto the table.

“I can’t sleep, I have work in a few hours.” I exclaimed, I was exhausted but work was work, and I couldn’t be tired, I couldn’t pass out there. I needed coffee, and lots of it.

“You’ve been there for three days straight.” Jackson said, a small frown twitching at the side of his mouth.

“That’s not the… you noticed?” I started, then realised what he said. We hadn’t really talked much since then, it wasn’t that I was avoiding him and I hoped that he wasn’t avoiding me but we don’t often intercept at work anymore, especially as we are either in surgery or cramming for boards.

“Of course I noticed.” Jackson smiled at me, almost surprised that I wouldn’t assume that he would.

I smiled back at him, still fighting the urge to lean over the table, grab him by his collar and kiss him. But I knew I couldn’t, because then I wouldn’t be able to stop, and that wouldn’t be good. Tearing my eyes away from his, as they were starting to make my insides melt I scanned the room. The people around us were sitting chatting, or in silence, some were having heated discussions, some were showing photos, perhaps from a holiday, or of a new family member I couldn’t tell. There was a good energy in the room, or maybe it wasn’t the room, perhaps it was simply Jackson. I placed my elbow on the table, and my chin in my hand as I looked down at the menu for the first time.

“So what are you getting.” I asked, not looking up at him, but scanning the menu, taking nothing in.

“Why do you do that?” Jackson asked, still intently watching me.

“Do what?” I looked up from the menu and at him again, this time he looked half-amused, half-irritated.

“Change the subject.” Jackson said, watching my every move as he spoke.

“I don’t.” I said adamantly. I was just curious about what was good, that was all, I was not changing the subject. Well maybe I was a little bit I thought to myself. Jackson raised his eyebrow, seemingly knowing I was having an internal fight.

“Ok fine.” I said, a smile spreading across my face. We never spent a huge amount of time together, alone at least, we did occasionally, but not enough for him to be able to read me so easily.

“What?” Jackson said, looking more confused than ever.

“You know me.” I said quietly, my smile broadening as he looked even more confused.

“We’ve worked together for years.” Jackson said simply, not quiet knowing what on earth I was on about.

“Why did you kiss me?” I asked, looking into his bright green eyes, trying not to be lost in their beauty, trying not to kiss him.

“You showed up at my door.” Jackson said, raising his eyebrow, he had no idea where I was going with this. I sighed, looked away at the couple next to us who were arguing about what he said about her haircut, seemingly he was digging himself a large hole as her scowl deepened. Pulling myself back into my conversation, blocking out her shrieking, I looked back into Jackson’s eyes.

“Not then, ages ago.” I said slowly, deep in thought. Did he still feel as he did, all that time ago? Did he feel as I do? _Shit._ I don’t even know how I feel about all this. I know that I want to kiss him, that I want to be around him.

“Cause you’re hot and a badass.” Jackson said smiling at me, his eyes sparkling.

“Present tense.” I whispered in surprise.

“Huh?” Jackson said his smile vanishing as confusion washed over him.

“You used present tense.” I said my voice raising slightly, a smile spreading across my face as he looked down at his menu again.

“I’m going to order.” Jackson said dropping his menu on the table, and glancing over at the queue, which was already much smaller.

“You’re doing it now.” I said amused, as he ignored me and stood up, heading over to the counter, without looking back.

Standing at the back of the queue, I scanned the room looking at the people once again. The simple people, with their simple lives and simple problems. Granted that was not all them, but the trivial things that they fought about or fretted over, made their problems seem so much smaller than my own. I used to be unstoppable, I was on my way to becoming a cardio-god and then Burke happened, and then when I was almost whole again, Owen happened.

I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let this happen again. I can’t change again, I promised myself that I wouldn’t give bits of myself to Owen, that I wouldn’t shave off pieces of myself to fit with him, but I did. I did. I can’t do this again, I just can’t. I could love Jackson, I really could. And maybe I will someday. But I must remain myself, I can’t change I again, I just can’t.  Not again. I promise myself that I won’t but I always do, I let them in and then bit by bit I change for them, to fit with them. But no more.

Focussing my eyes I notice an old woman staring at me oddly, her noise scrunched as she exams me, watching her. Unsure of how to react, I smiled brightly at her, something I wouldn’t usually do, and she smiles back at me, and turns back to her friends, once again engaging in conversation.

Looking over at Jackson in the queue, I noticed that he’s third, hopefully I will get my coffee soon. He is glancing up at the menu attached to the wall, and I couldn’t help but check him out as he stood there, looking perfect as usual, a fact that I usually ignored, but my brain would no longer allow it. I grinned as I realised I was not alone in checking him out, the blonde standing behind was fighting internally to engage in conversation.

Glancing down at her hands, she grabbed a pen out of her bubble gum pink Gucci handbag, checked her appearance in the glass cabinet beside her, smiled at her reflection and dropped the pen in front of Jackson’s feet. As expected he bent down, grabbed it and turned around handing her the pen. She plastered a smile across her face, and touched his arm as she thanked him. He smiled briefly, stepped back and turned around. I laughed, warranting a strange look for the man sitting alone at the table behind me, as she screwed up her face and glared at Jackson’s back obviously upset by the lack of interest he displayed in her.

My phone rang from my bag that I had placed between my feet. Tearing my eyes away from Jackson and the counter, I pulled out my phone. Mere was calling.

“Hey.” I answered, looking over at Jackson as he ordered our food.

“Where are you?” Mere asked.

“Jerry’s.” I said, the woman behind him still looked rather put off, and was attempting to chat up the man behind her, who looked more interested in the lamp on the counter, than with her.

“Uhm ok.” Mere said.

“Café. With Jackson.” I said, knowing what she was thinking now.

“Oh, behave yourself.” Mere said I could hear her smiling.

“Won’t make any promises.” I said, smiling over at Jackson as he grabbed a number and turned towards me.

“When you coming in.” Mere asked.

“2 and a bit hours.” I replied my smile widened as I caught the blonde girl glaring at me as she noticed that Jackson was coming to sit beside me.

“Ok well, shit I have to go.” Mere said, as beeping erupted on her end of the line, with yells muffling her talking.

“Bye.” I said, hanging up as Jackson reached the table.

Placing the number down on the table, he sat down as I stuffed my phone back into my bag. I looked over at Jackson, my self-control was waning, and I really wanted to piss off that blonde at the counter.

“Who was that?” Jackson asked.

“Mere.” I replied, smiling at him.

Glancing over at the counter I saw that the blonde had finished ordering, and was staring over at our table, glaring at us both. Suddenly, my resolve was gone. Screw it. I don’t know if it was because I had gone days without doing what I truly wanted to do, or just to piss her off. But I had decided what to do.

Leaning forward, I grabbed Jackson’s collar by one hand, and pulled him towards me, pressing my lips up against as his. _God._ I forgot just how good he tasted, how soft his lips were, how much I wanted him. Forgetting all about the blonde who I was proving my point to, our kiss deepened.

Wanting to taste more of him, I plunged my tongue into his mouth, battling with his. He was kissing back, just as passionately as me now, his hands had moved from his sides and his fingers were now running through my hair as he pulled my closer.

“Sorry.” I gasped as I finally pulled away more than a minute later. We were both out of breath, and our faces were inches from each other. Leaning backwards, I slouched back down in my chair before registering the looks of everyone else in the room. The blonde’s jaw was almost touching the floor, and the rest of the room were collectively gaping at us, some looking impressed, others surprised, but none of them looked angry or disgusted by the high level of pda they had just witnessed.

“That’s.. a… fine.” Jackson said shakily, still recovering for that kiss. He slowly leant back in his chair, watching me carefully. Not turning to look at anyone else in room, not wanting to acknowledge their presence, I smiled at Jackson.

“You got a little…” I said licking my thumb, leaning forward and wiping my lipstick smudge from around his mouth. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the rest of the room unwillingly turned back to their own conversations but the blonde stood still gaping at us.

“Thanks.” Jackson said, still looking a little confused about everything.

A woman arrived with our coffees, placed them silently in front of us and hurried off. She glanced back at us, before heading into the kitchen, the oak door swinging shut behind her. I smiled at Jackson, feeling happier than I had felt in days, which was saying something, as not long ago I was heading back to the car with Jackson’s hand in mine, smiling as we walked together.

“Uh… does Mere know about.. us.. I mean what happened at my apartment?” Jackson said hurriedly, still watching me closely as I added sugar to my coffee, stirred and then drank it, whilst attempting to hold eye contact.

“Yes..” I said slowly, trying to gauge what he was trying not to say. “Mere knows about.. us.”

“Us.” Jackson repeated, causing me to blush slightly.

“Look I don’t know..” I started, but Jackson raised his hand and placed his finger over my lips, shushing me.

“Let’s just leave it for now. It’s too complicated to establish the details, let’s just see how this plays out.” Jackson said, removing his hand and dropping it back on the table, and taking a sip of his coffee, smiling at me.

“Okay.” I smiled back at him, wondering how it had taken me so long to realise that he was perfect.


	4. Almost a Date

**Jackson’s POV:**

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go to your apartment.” Cristina said as she looks at me as I put on my seatbelt. Lunch was delicious and now we were back in the car, away from our comfortable chairs and all the people. It was easy being with her, she isn’t easy, she’s complicated and amazing and hot, and I love being around her. Even though we haven’t really decided what we are yet, I would like for us to last a while, or maybe forever.

“I don’t think so either.” I replied, watching her carefully, I stare at her mouth for a few seconds without realising, then quickly look into her eyes, as her lips curl into a smile, I know she’s thinking the same thing. We haven’t kissed since she pulled me over the table and it is taking every inch of self-restraint I have not to kiss her.

“But you need your stuff.” Cristina said, staring pointedly at my lips and not helping matters by biting down on hers. She must be doing it to test me, because she doesn’t do it when she thinks, which is obviously what she was doing as she trying to find a way not to enter my place, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to stop herself if she did. I wouldn’t stop her if she did, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself either.

“That I do.” I replied, eyeing her lips hungrily, I want her to come up to my apartment with me, to finish what we started, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea, it is but it isn’t. She is still married, I keep reminding myself as I tear my eyes away from her lips and rest them on a tree as I stare out the window. Fully aware that her gaze is fixed steadily on me making me desperate to know what she is thinking.

“I’ll wait in the car.” Cristina said after a few seconds of silence, as she thought and kept her eyes glued to me. Once again I invest in self-restraint and kept staring at the tree.

She drives in silence, I fiddled with the radio for a few minutes, before realising that every channel is full of crap music, ads and some douchey radio talk show host talking about something idiotic. I stared at the road, trying not the think about what happened last time she came to my apartment, trying to block all of those memories out of my mind, I wouldn’t be able to control myself if we went back up there, I am sure of it.

“Why did you kiss me?” I blurt out, no longer able to suppress the question that was bubbling up inside me, I don’t know why I was so desperate to know, but I was.

“Which time?” Cristina replies immediately, her eyes still trained to the road, hopefully not because she doesn’t want to look at me but because the road is full of cars and she doesn’t have a death wish.

“At lunch.” I say, not knowing what answer I want to hear, but wondering what answer she will give. Was it because she wanted to kiss me or because she wanted to prove something to Linda, who stood behind me in the queue and attempted to flirt with me, I had to know.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I don’t know what pushed me over the edge, but I do know I have been wanting to do that for days.” Cristina says, her cheeks glowing red as she cuts herself off, she had obviously said more than she intended to.

I don’t know how to reply to that, the only way I can think of is to kiss her, but she is driving, and also if I started to kiss her, I wouldn’t be able to stop. She was still married, she is getting divorced but she was still married. Looking out of the window I saw that we were only a few blocks from my place, she didn’t even super focus on the road, she looked as though she knew the route off by heart, even though as far as I know I am the only one that she knows who lives out here.

Bursting the bubble I was inflating I remembered that Alex lives with me, no doubt she had dropped him off, picked him up and visited him countless times, and April too. Before I know it, the car is stopped and Cristina looks over at me, smiling shyly, as I smile back at her.

“I won’t be long.” I manage to say, as I push the car door open, shut it carefully behind me and head towards the doors attempting to keep an even pace, but I couldn’t help remember staring down at this piece of pavement as Cristina left, as I watched her leave, moments after our relationship changed forever.

The stairwell engulfs me as I take the steps two at a time, attempting to focus on the steps alone, the sounds of my feet hitting the slabs beneath my feet, ignoring the thoughts in my heads, ignoring everything but the stairs. Too soon I am by my door, pushing the key into the lock with realising it, all this done by habit, I could find my way up here blind, if I can do it exhausted or blind drunk I can do it when my thoughts are consumed by Cristina.

Shutting the door behind me, I scan the apartment for signs of life before remembering that no one could be here, they are all at work, doing busy things, saving lives, or filling in paper work.  Leaning my head against the cold wood of the door, I take a deep breath and count to five before pushing all of the memories of that night out of my mind, and ignoring all of the possibilities that night had to offer if she had already been divorced, or I had a little less self-restraint.

 

Twenty minutes later I emerged out of the front doors of the building, bags in tow, striding towards the car. Cristina must have had her eyes trained to the door because by the time I reach the car, the back  door is open and she is back in the driver’s seat, her head rested against the window as she watches me out of the corner of her eye.

“Is that everything?” She asked, as I sit down beside her and do up my seatbelt. Checking over my shoulder I see my two bags and smile over at her as I nod, she widens her eyes only slightly. Before realising that I can return to my apartment without fear of being suffocated by bad memories, or of the possibility that I will run into Owen and have to engage in conversation or see his sad eyes follow me around as I pack my things or walk out. I can easily go back for more, she can’t.

“Where to?” I asked, as she starts the engine and pulls out into the traffic, looking even more exhausted than she did when I headed into my apartment to grab everything that I needed.

“Mere’s.” Cristina answered, indicating before turning the corner and speeding off down the street. I don’t say anything in reply, just bite down on my tongue to stop myself from saying anything I’ll regret.

My heart beat pounds in my ears as she smiles again, causing me to flashback to the night of the party, all those years back when I pushed her up against the wall and kissed her, and she kissed me back before remembering Owen. If they hadn’t been together, how different would our lives be now? Would they be better or worse?

My thoughts sunk deeper and deeper into that possibility, spinning web after web of ideas, the only sound that drew me out of the pit was the sound of the engine cutting off. We were at Mere’s our new home, until boards were over anyway. This house would test my resolve for every second we were both in it, she would sleep only a few doors down, maybe only a wall would lie between us.

We both remained silent as we unpacked the car, me dumping all my stuff in Izzie’s old room, because Alex still hates that room and I didn’t want to force him to take it. Cristina took George’s old room, leaving April in the attic, where Lexie usually sleeps, but is now staying in April’s bed at our apartment, to avoid this mad house. It didn’t take long to bring in all of Cristina’s stuff, and I headed to my new room without looking back at her as she climbed the staircase her final bag in hand.

I couldn’t even look at her, I knew I couldn’t and I knew she couldn’t. We were alone in this house together, and my resolve wouldn’t last much longer, so I shut the door firmly behind me as I threw myself face first onto my bed, letting my exhaustion take control. Luckily the bed was already made, so all I had to do was kick off my shoes, peel off my clothes, leaving me in my boxers before climbing underneath the sheets and closing my eyes.

 

“Jackson?” Cristina whispered, she was standing in front of me, I opened my eyes just a fraction to find her wearing an oversized red tshirt, her curly hair falling past her shoulders, as her eyes glued on my lips, noticing that I was biting down once more.

“Yeah..” I mumble, on the brink of sleep.

“My beds not made and the room is really…” Cristina starts, keeping her voice low, which is strange for her to do, not that she isn’t considerate but usually she wouldn’t care about waking someone up but this was different. She wanted for me to remain half asleep, almost as she knows I will say yes to shut her up without thinking over the repercussions or the possibilities that this may lead us to.

“Get in.” I say, cutting her off midstream, pulling the blankets back, I only slightly notice her eyes widen a fraction as she sees more of me than she ever has.

She climbs in beside me, pulling the blankets over us both, her back turned to me. For a second I consider shuffling to the other side of the bed, in an attempt to separate us, but why fight the inevitable.

Wrapping my arm around her body I pull her close to me, so that our bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle, so that her hair touches my face, so that part of my face rests against her shoulder, so that her scent wraps around me and pulls me to sleep.

She can no doubt feel my heartbeat against her back, and my breathing against her ear, but I am too tired to notice other things. I am too tired to kiss her and too tired to fight the urge to pull her even closer to me as she wraps her fingers around mine, and sets her breathing to match mine, her chest rising and falling with mine as we fall to sleep.

**...**

This was not a good idea, not good at all.

But it felt so good.

She was perfect, this was perfect. God, this was not good at all.

My arm wrapped around her, her shirt pushed up, my palm against her stomach, the hem of her knickers against my arm. I was too tired to have proper judgement when she came in, but now I knew without a doubt that this was a bad idea.

 _She is married._ I keep telling myself, whispering it to myself like a mantra, it is the only thing that keeps my hand where it is. Not rising nor descending.

Every possible piece of her body is pressed against mine, her hair is lying partly underneath my head, my head is nestled in her neck, her soft skin beneath my stubble. I can feel each breath of hers, wishing that there wasn’t even the slim material of our clothes between us, but sadly it is.

Her whole body pushed against mine, and all I want to do is to kiss her. Her feet are wrapped around my legs and her ass is pushed up against me, as if she wants to tease me or tempt it, it is hard to tell.

Now fully aware of myself I move myself back a few inches, thankfully I’m not wearing loose boxers so it is far less noticeable, but noticeable all the same. I have to keep reminding myself that she is married, that despite what Owen did and said, he is still her husband.

We are so close to each other, closer than we have been in days and her body fits perfectly into mine as she lies with her body pressed against mine, I am trying so hard not to focus on how much I want to kiss her and touch her.

In the distance I can hear a sound, but I can’t tell what it is, it is far too muffled. Perhaps it is what woke me up a minute or so ago. It may just be the neighbours but I am starting to think it is something else, I strongly suspect it is from inside the house, and I am desperately hoping that no one else is home.

I jump slightly as my phone starts to ring, vibrating against the wood as the screen lights up and Cristina stirs beside me. Leaning over I grab the phone, as Cristina rolls over and places her palm against my arm, still half asleep.

“’elo?” I answer groggily, it’s the first time I have spoken in the last few hours and my throat and lips feel dry.

“Put her on the phone.” Meredith says, she doesn’t sound pleased or amused, she just sounds irritated and exhausted.

“Huh?” I answer still sounded groggy, I have only been awake for more than a minute, I was still waking up. I didn’t need her speaking curtly as Cristina resurfaces from her slumber beside me.

“Put Cristina on the phone!” Meredith exclaims, sounding overly frustrated, obviously the past few hours while we were sleeping, the hospital wasn’t nearly as peaceful as this bed. I wince at the volume of her voice.

Without a word I take the phone away from my ear and hand Cristina the phone before falling off my elbow onto my back, stretching my arms above me as I stretch my legs out.

“No.” Cristina says into the phone, “Well…” she pauses briefly, “Hang on ju…” she sits up and scowls slightly, “What? Tha…” She grows silent as she listens to Mere’s voice on the other side of the line, while she absentmindedly runs her fingers along my chest, which does not help matters for me at all.

“Are you..” Cristina trails off, obviously Mere cuts her off again. “Yeah.” Cristina pauses but keeps running her fingers across me, her eyes glazed over as she listens. “Repeat the last part again.” “Oh yeah but you would… yeah… I don’t think… exactly. Yeah… uhmm.. sure okay. Bye.”

She hangs up and hands me back my phone, which I place on my bedside table before looking back at her. I raise my eyebrow in question as she lays her head on my chest and wraps her arm around me.

“We need to be there soon.” Cristina says, answering my unspoken question.

We lie there in silence for a few minutes, as she stares out of the window deep in thought and I stare down at her, still not able to believe that she wants me, almost as much if not as much as I want her.

“I want to kiss you.” Cristina says eying my lips hungrily, almost as if she knows what I am thinking.

“Me too.” I whisper, trying not to focus on how beautiful she looks, trying to ignore how perfect she is, which of course is impossible.

“But I won’t be able to stop.” Cristina says biting down on her lip as her eyes scan my body, making me feel nervous.

“Me too.” I whisper, ignoring the smirk she gives me as she watches my expression change as she places her palm against my chest.

Another minute passes, we both lie there staring at other, eyeing each other hungrily, taking each other in. Wishing we could do more than lay here, but both knowing we shouldn’t, we would have plenty of time later, when she was finally divorced.

“We have to leave soon.” I say, checking the time on my phone before dropping it back on the bedside table and looking down at Cristina.

“Fine.” Cristina sighs as she stands up and slowly walks away from the bed, taking small and precise steps, I can tell she is thinking but I’m not sure what she is thinking about, it is hard to tell with her. Her hand hovers over the door handle for a second before she twists it slowly, and pulls the door open in front of her. Without looking back, she steps into the hallway and shuts the door softly behind her, not wanting to alert anyone of her leaving my room.

Taking a deep breath I sit up and look around me, everything would soon be in its place. Not organised chaos but actually organised. Currently my bags lay side by side by the cupboard door but hopefully I would get time to unpack after work if not before I left.

If Cristina’s room is anything like her cubbyhole then she wouldn’t unpack anything. As the days go by more clothes will spill out of her bags until they are finally emptied once she has worn everything in them. Part of me wishes that I could help spread her clothes around the room as I take them off and drop them haphazardly but that can’t happen until she’s divorced.

I can hear the water running from the bathroom, which means Cristina is in the shower, well probably Cristina. Pushing all thoughts of how our apartment will look if we ever get one together, or in my current state of mind when, I take a deep breath before standing up and heading over to my bags.

Pulling out a clean change of clothes, I dropped them on my bed as I start to unpack, while I wait for the shower. I could just get coffee and breakfast at work. By the time I had unpacked two bags worth of clothes and assorted items I hear the shower go off. Placing my empty bags in the cupboard I wait until I heard the second door close, seeing Cristina in her towel would not help my resolve, I knew that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta-ed so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.  
> Come check me out on fanfic.net under the same name.  
> Or chat to me on tumblr, on my sideblog 'happyendingsareapowerfulthing'


	5. Time Passes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time continues, but can their relationship... Cristina's marriage is over, isn't it? But is the waiting over...

**Cristina’s POV:**

The next few weeks were filled with sleep, study and surgery.  Jackson and I shared convert glances and stolen kisses when we had a second but I didn’t join Jackson in bed again and despite how much I wanted him to Jackson didn’t join me in the shower. Boards were coming up and everyone was on edge.

In addition to surgery and studying I was going through my divorce with Owen which was going about as well as I had expected. I knew it would be emotionally draining but I never expected it to be as bad as it was, I felt on the edge of tears by the end of every meeting with our lawyers, but I wouldn’t let myself cry, not again. Cristina Yang did not cry over things like this, ever.

Fighting with Owen made me pine for Jackson even more so I made sure that we were never alone together for too long, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and I hoped that Jackson felt the same way. I often found that she spent more time with April in the last few weeks than she had in the last few months.

April was a good buffer between Jackson and I, and unlike Alex and Mere she wasn’t able to read our expressions so didn’t tease or hint about our relationship. It also kind of helped knowing that April was a virgin, I’m not really sure why it helped but it did.

My head was thumping and my whole body ached as I walked down the hallway, my eyes barely open, my legs on autopilot. I needed sleep but I had surgery, I squinted down at my watch, in just over an hour. That meant I needed coffee. This exam was the be all and end all of our careers, sure we could retake the test if we failed but I couldn’t fail, I wouldn’t fail.

Pushing open the door, I found April lying on the couch with a wet flannel on her forehead and I can’t help but smile when I saw Jackson standing by the sink with his back to me. If I wasn’t so exhausted I would probably walk across the room and wrap my arms over his broad shoulders, god I wish my divorce was final and that April wasn’t in this room. But part of me is thankful she is, otherwise I would already have my legs wrapped around his waist and my tongue down his throat. Although is that really such a bad thing?

“How’d it go?” April asked as the door shut behind me. Lifting the flannel off her face she sat up and smiled over at me. I walk towards the couch opposite her in silence, registering Jackson turn to see who she was talking to and stiffen when his eyes rest on me.

“He didn’t die, so good.” I replied collapsing onto the couch staring up at the ceiling for a moment before I close my eyes. April didn’t reply instead lay back down on the couch, or at least that is what it sounded like. Jackson was probably making coffee judging by the clattering of cups.

I feel myself drifting, part of me knows I need to stay awake but I can’t. I haven’t sleep in over 29 hours, and I have consumed far too much coffee. I can hear April shifting on the couch and I feel soft hands brushing my arms as someone drapes a blanket over me. I give a small smile before I drift off to sleep, as I feel Jackson’s leg brush mine as he sits down next to me. This is the closest we have been in days.

 

I feel Jackson’s body underneath mine as he kisses me on the collar bone again and I moan against his neck. Our clothes are on the floor forgotten, the sheets bunched up at the end of the bed. He pauses for a moment, teasing me as he always does, kisses me lightly on the lips and looks deep into my eyes.

“That is ridiculous April.” Jackson says, smirking down at me.

“What?” I demand, my whole body stiffening as I glare at him. Why is he talking about April, now of all times? Then I hear his voice again, quieter now, sounding far off. April’s laugh quickly follows. Of course. I smile up at Jackson and give him a quick kiss as the room around me disappears, everything goes dark and then I open my eyes and squint as they adjust to the light.

 

It was just another dream. Jackson and I may not have had much time together in the last few weeks but when I dream, we are never alone. Usually it would shock me to find myself dreaming about someone but after an exhausting day of study and surgery I actually look forward to when I can close my eyes and feel Jackson’s body against mine and listen to him moan my name, and me his.

 

Pulling the blanket off me and throwing it on the arm chair beside me I lean forward and grab the half drunk cup of coffee off the table. Jackson’s green eyes brush over me as I smirk at him and take a drink, wishing that my dream would come true sooner rather than later. I brush my hand against his knee as I lean back on the couch, crossing my legs just so my knee can innocently rest on Jackson’s.

“Is it worth it, all this waiting, all this build up. Did I wait too long?” April asked us, chewing on her nails between sips of coffee. Boards were the only a few days away and April was nervous as hell.  Like us it looked as though she was seriously wishing she had a way to release all of this energy and tension building up inside of her.

“Waiting?” I asked, not having a clue what April was on about. Where was Mere? Was she here yet? She left with Alex before my last surgery to get some much needed sleep before her surgery this evening. I glance over at Jackson, even though he hasn’t slept through this entire conversation he seems as surprised as me by this current topic, obviously it was a recent topic change.

“To you know… have sex.” April said, blushing slightly as she looked at the floor. It didn’t look as though wasn’t ashamed of herself, I am pretty sure that she believed in what she was doing but she probably hated how people looked at her because of it. “Is it worth it? The waiting?”

“Some things are worth waiting for.” Jackson answered quickly. I hear his breathing quicken but I don’t dare look at him.

“Yeah but is this it? What if after all the waiting, it’s a let-down, not at all what you imagined?” April whined. Judging by her expression she didn’t have a special someone at the moment, not that she had one as long as I have known her. With boards coming up it makes sense that she is stressed but that doesn’t mean she should ditch her crazy ideas just to relax a bit. Sure I don’t agree with her, but in a way I respect her, she made a choice and stuck with it.

“Oh that’s highly unlikely. Especially if you both have great chemistry and s..they are gorgeous.” Jackson replied, the hesitation makes me think he was going to call me gorgeous. I bit the inside of my cheek for a second, hoping that I don’t blush, I’m not the blushing type but when his eyes meet mine as he says gorgeous I feel my whole body tense up and I have to sit on my hands to stop them from touching him.

“And if he knows what he is doing…” I started, tearing my eyes away from his and not allowing myself to look over at Jackson, keeping my yes on April and staring at her with a strange intensity. Hopefully she doesn’t notice, I doubt she will she is all caught up in finding out an answer to read either of our body language.

“Which I’m sure he does.” Jackson spoke over me, his eyes flicking around the room not letting his gaze to fall on me. Luckily April was hanging off our every word, and didn’t notice how strange we were acting.

“It will be orgasmic.” I said, my hands balling into fists as I bit down on my bottom lip as my eyes fell on Jackson who was staring outside the window, his fingers digging into his skin.

“You really think so?” April asked excitedly, looking from me to Jackson, as we smiled weakly at her as she beamed at us.

“God yes!” I exclaimed, digging my nails into my palms. I can’t look at Jackson, but I have to. I glance over at him for a fraction of a second and I just feel the heat in my body rising. Every cell in my body wants him to do exactly what he does to me in my dreams. In my head, my nails aren’t digging into my palm but into Jackson’s back as I grab onto him for support. My level of self-control surprises me, but I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the window just in case.

“Thanks you guys, I have to go, see you.” April jumped up from her seat as her pager goes off. Grabbing her coat off the table she grinned at us, getting a weak smile from me in return.

The door had barely shut behind April when I lunged at Jackson, who wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him as our lips meet. I honestly didn’t care if we were caught, that wasn’t a concern for me right now. Not one bit. I wouldn’t sleep with him not now anyway, my pager would go off in a few minutes to call me down to surgery but for now I only had to focus on Jackson’s fingers pushing up my shirt and the feel of his palms against my back and of his lips against mine.

**..**

**Jackson’s POV:**

“That was close.” Cristina muttered between breaths as she stepped away from me and stepped towards the door. My hands fall to my side, feeling useless now they can no longer skim Cristina’s skin and pull her towards me.

“To getting caught?” I asked my eyes fixed on her. She pushes a strand of hair out of her line of vision and tucks in behind her ear as she steps into her shoes. We didn’t get time to start removing layers but my chest is still warm from her roaming fingers.

“To having sex.” Cristina replied straightening her shirt before she fixed her hair. I couldn’t get over how beautiful she was. I couldn’t help not to notice it but over the last few months she was looking far more exhausted than I had ever seen her. Sure the last few weeks were exhausting for us all but she didn’t look nearly as exhausted lately as she did, well before we started dating in fact, or whatever we were doing. I can’t help but smile when the thought occurs to me, maybe I am one of the reasons she is smiling more.  I love her smile more than anything, it barely ever comes out, the real smile, not the smirk or the fake smile or the tired smile or the condescending smile but her genuine smile.

“Saved by the pager.” I replied as stood up and walked towards the coffee machine, after that I would need something to calm my nerves before surgery.

“This time.” Cristina answered. I didn’t turn to face her, I knew that the expression on her face would make me want to wrap my arms around her and kiss her again and she had to go. “Next time we might not be so lucky.” Cristina added, causing me to smile.

“At least that means I’ll get lucky.” I muttered before taking a sip of my coffee, I hear her laugh behind me and when I turn around she is grinning, her eyes glued to the floor, we both know that if our eyes meet she won’t be able to go, not yet anyway.

“I’m leaving now.” Cristina replied, her eyes meeting mine for just a second before she turned towards the door and rested her hand on the door knob.

“You do that.” I took another sip of my coffee as I leant against the bench. She pulled open the door and headed down the hallway without looking back. I watched her grow smaller and smaller until she disappeared around a corner. Downing my coffee I threw away the paper cup before heading out of the lounge towards the nurses station, away from Cristina. Wishing that her pager, hadn’t gone off, wishing that we had more time.

**...**

It is far too early for this. I blindly grab for my other pillow and hold it over my ear to block out the sounds and I push my eyes closed tighter trying to lure myself back to sleep, trying to ignore the yelling and the knocking and trying to convince myself that I am on the brink of consciousness not yet fully awake.

“Cristina!” April yelled as she continued knocking on the bathroom door I presume. I don’t know how long she has been knocking but somewhere around 2 minutes ago her voice echoing down the hallway and sliding underneath my door and towards my bed woke me up. She may be my friend but I cannot deal with her high pitched yelling at this time.

“Shut up!” Alex yelled back and seconds later I hear his bedroom door slam shut again. I can hear April sigh and I can no longer convince myself that I am asleep. This is our last full day at the hospital before boards so it makes sense that she is on edge, but still, it’s the morning. Grudgingly opening my eyes I notice that my alarm was going to go off in just under five minutes so it didn’t really matter but still. Shutting it off, I kick back the covers and get out of bed.

“What?” I ask groggily as I pull open my bedroom door and glare down at April. Her hair is a mess, she is in her pyjamas and has a stack of clothes with a towel in her hand. She doesn’t even answer me just continues to glare at the door, almost as though she is convinced she can open it with pure rage.

“Look I’m done, don’t get your panties in a twist.” Cristina says crossly as she opens the bathroom door. Steam fills the air and April’s frown deepens, Cristina must have been in there a while.

“Cristina I’m going to be late!” April whines as she rushes into the bathroom. Part of me thinks that I should get back into my bedroom and shut the door but I can’t move. It’s almost as if every cell in my body is waiting for Cristina to step out of the bathroom. I haven’t kissed her since her pager went off in the lounge just a few minutes after April had left alone together. I missed the feel of her lips against mine, the feel of her body against mine. We had come so close.

“We still have half an hour!” Cristina exclaims, still hidden from few. I hear April mutter some reply but I can’t quite make it out from where I stand frozen to the spot.

“Morning.” I say hastily as she steps out of the bathroom and the door slams shut behind her. I spoke too fast but I knew that if I didn’t speak as soon as I saw here I probably wouldn’t manage to get the words out. Her hair is in wet curls and she was wrapped in a red towel that is a little shorter than normal I’m sure of it.

“Like what you see?” Cristina teased as she sauntered down the hallway towards me, using her fingers to fiddle with the bottom of the towel as she walks towards me, raising her eyebrow as my eyes wander over her. I can feel her eyes wandering over me, the only thing I am wearing are a short pair of sleeping shorts, but there isn’t anything she hasn’t seen before.

“God yes.” I mutter as she reaches me. Her lips separate to say something in reply but I don’t give her time. Before she can utter a word, my mouth is on hers and my arms are wrapping around her waist as her tongue slips into my mouth and her arms drape around my neck as she pulls me close to her.

“Morning to you too.” Cristina whispers her eyes flicking downwards, her lips hovering above mine as we break to breathe for a second. As she kisses me again she pulls her body closer to mine again despite my eagerness which she ignores. I move my hands down from her waist to the bottom of her towel, wrapping my fingers around her legs I lift her up and turn quickly to push her up against the doorframe as she wraps her legs around my waist. Her grip on my shoulders tightens as I push against her and our kisses turn more passionate.

The smell of her shampoo is wrapped around me, her wet hair is dripping down my chest and her wet skin wets me as she brushes against me, but the shower isn’t the only cause of her being wet I’m sure as she grinds against me. Her lips are soft and her kisses are hungry, my hands slid up and her thigh as I move against her, suddenly hating that there is a layer of clothing and a towel between us.

We both pause as Alex’s alarm goes off down the hallway. Cristina groans as our lips separate and she slides down the doorframe. She glares down the hallway as her feet touch the ground before she turns around to quickly kiss me.

“Saved by the bell, an alarm this time.” Cristina whispers as she takes a step away from me, retreating towards her room. I already miss the feel of her skin against my fingertips, and the feel of her body against mine.

“Will we ever not be interrupted?” I sigh as I lean against the doorframe, my eyes stuck to Cristina who looks as sexy as usual.

“Soon.” Cristina smiles as she continues backing away from me. I should be worried about boards, boards are soon and I am, but half the time my mind is on Cristina when I should be focussed on studying.

“Soon?” I repeat, raising my eyebrow. How soon is soon?

“Any day now.” Cristina answers as she reaches her bedroom. Kicking it open with her foot she grins at me before shutting the door behind her, leaving me wishing I was on the other side of that door. Even more so when she throws her towel out into the hallway before the door shuts completely.

Hearing footsteps from Alex’s room I swing my door shut in front of me and lean against for a moment, steadying myself. Can I wait for any day now? A small sliver of doubt is in my mind, thinking about what will happen when this day comes. When Cristina is finally divorced what will that mean for us? We have been fuelled on lust, will that be enough? Or is it more than that now? What is she to me, or more importantly what I am to her? 


	6. Missed Calls and Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps the waiting is finally over... perhaps it has only just begun...
> 
> Cristina's part picks up straight from Jackson's part...

**Jackson’s POV:**

I was scrubbing in when it happened. Alone in my cubbyhole lay my phone on silent. My phone which would get over a dozen missed calls and text messages over the next hour or so. But it wouldn’t be checked for another 10 hours until I scrubbed out.  It was better that way I suppose, if I was out of surgery then I don’t know what I would have said, but I do know what I would have done.

I found out from April who was rambling in a squeaking high pitched tone that I usually tuned out when I was stressed, and we were heading off to the hotel tomorrow, which meant boards were the day after, they were so close and I was nervous. I was only half listening when she rambled about how this would be disastrous, that they could fail their boards because something happened to them or because they should be studying instead.

After a few minutes of filling in my chart, I could finally make sense of what she was saying, by listening to her talk for a few seconds I got the just of our last 5 minutes of rather one sided conversation. Mere, Cristina and Alex were gone. By her tone she had no idea where they were, and she was obviously pissed that they didn’t invite her, they were off to celebrate Cristina’s divorce.

If I had been studying she would have found me or I would have answered my phone but sadly neither was the case.

“How long have they been gone?” I ask as I shut my file and stuff my pen in my pocket, avoiding eye contact so that she can’t read me. Although in her current state I doubt she would be able to, she was freaking out, I could tell she was nervous. Nervous that she would fail, nervous that she would have to go back to the farm and nervous because that was who she was, a nervous wreck at times.

“A few hours I think.” April answered her eyes skimming her chart as she nervously chews at the lid of her pen. When it comes to surgery she doesn’t second guess herself in the moment she just does it, but when it comes to stuff like this she loses her shit over it, hyperventilating, the works. And right now I just can’t deal with it.

“April, you will be fine.” I said as I place my hands on her shoulders and shake her lightly. She gives me a small smile and her mouth opens to say something but her pager lights up and starts beeping. We both see it reads 911, dropping her file she gives me a weak smile which I return before heading off in the opposite direction, I need to check my phone.

Avoiding the lift I take the stairs, I can’t deal with any more of Mark’s excitement mixed with nerves right now, he’s a brilliant teacher and friend, but he is getting far too invested in all me, in my exam and its making me nervous which is not helping at all. There is no one that I want to run into at the moment so I linger in doorways hiding from Arizona as she walks by chatting to an intern and Derek as he walks slowly down the hallway texting.

It’s strange that I haven’t seen much of Cristina lately, we have barely been alone, which is both good and bad. Part of me doesn’t get why we are waiting for her divorce, she was practically divorced already when she decided to get divorced, but I get it. Neither of us wants this to start out as an affair. I don’t want to be her rebound and I hope that I’m not.

Even though we have been friends for years and its only been a few weeks of been more I can’t imagine going back to not been able to kiss her. Although that may be due to the underlying feelings I have had for her, pretty much since the moment we met, which I hid because she was with Owen and because she didn’t feel the same way, or so I thought at least.

Reaching the residents lounge I push open the door in front of me, hoping that its empty, which luckily it is. Shutting the door behind me, I stand there, not quite knowing what to do for a moment. Right now I should still be fretting over Boards, this time in two days they will be over, but all I can think of is Cristina.

Within seconds I find myself standing in front of my cubbyhole with my phone in my hand. I have several missed calls but only two are from her, and it looks like she only left a voicemail for one of the messages. I dial quickly and hold my phone up to my ear as I lower myself onto the bench, not realising how tired I was until this moment.

“You have five new messages.” The automated voice told me as I lay down on the bench, my eyes fixed to the ceiling and my feet still planted firmly on the floor.

“Darling I…” Mum began but she isn’t the message I want to listen to right now, cutting her short I skip to the next message hoping that its Cristina, I don’t want to have to skip through a bunch of voicemails to get to hers.

“Hey so you’re in surgery right now and I didn’t want to disturb you cause I’m not that guy.” Cristina started, and I feel myself smiling at the sound of her voice. I hear other voices muffled in the background.

“No Mere I..” She said quickly before she pauses again before adding, “Oh shut up Alex!” I can’t help but laugh when I hear him mutter something.

“My divorce is final which means I’m free to well screw who ever I want, which is obviously you. We’re currently…” She must be in the car, I can hear the radio playing, the wind blowing through the open windows and the sound of traffic all around them.

“Mere may pity you right now but don’t think I won’t hit you Alex, anyway I’ll see you some time tomorrow, don’t wait up.” I can practically hear Cristina glaring at Alex as she speaks.

The last thing I hear before the message ends is Alex’s voice, “Ou..” he says before the message cuts him off. Not in the mood to listen to any more messages I hang up and check my text messages. I ignore all of the other ones, I am focussed on Cristina right now, the rest can wait. I only have one text message from her,

_Call me x_

She never really struck me as the type to send x’s but I guess we can’t know everything about everyone all the time.

I don’t even hesitate before dialling, I shut my eyes as it rings, again and again and again. Doubt swirls around in my brain as it keeps ringing, I move my finger to hang up when the ringing stops.

“Hey.” Cristina answered.

“Hey.” I breathed, not knowing what else to say, well not anything that I should say. She may have sent me a single x but I wasn’t going to willingly admit that I missed her, especially since we had barely been together for weeks and I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that I missed her all that time too.

**...**

**Mere’s POV:**

“I hope he’s okay.” Cristina said with a worried expression, clearly thinking about Alex. All through dinner he kept checking his phone and then right before the waiter came up to talk to us about dessert specials his phone lit up and he told us he had to leave. Neither Cristina or I complained when he said he’d pay for dinner and ordered us another bottle of wine before he left. He was obviously worried about Tommy, the interns baby and he had been all night.

Inviting him meant distracting him and it did for the first three grungy bars, where he kicked our asses at darts and Cristina bet him at pool four times in a row before she decided it would just be easier for him to give her the money instead of actually undergoing the formality of playing.

She was certainly feeling a lot cockier after her Jackson called just after she won the first game of pool at the second grungy bar we went to, and even Alex’s teasing didn’t make her lose, I think if anything they made her win. But when we came back to the hotel and had dinner, we finally all had time to think, which meant worrying about boards, me thinking about Zola, Cristina thinking about Jackson and Alex thinking about Tommy.

I nodded at Cristina, wondering where Alex was now. We moved from our table to the bar over an hour again at least, checking down at my watch I see the time, it’s just past 10pm and I am already exhausted. This night out on the town was much better suited to us when we were interns or first years, now it was just tiring. After an 18 hour surgery and a shift before that, my feet were about to fall off even before I squeezed them into these heels and trudged up the street and up the stairs and around the building.

“I’m going to head to bed.” I announced, downing my tequila shot as I grab my bag and stand up. Cristina groans beside me, it was my idea to take her out I know, and now I was bailing. But she looked pretty exhausted as well. “You coming?” I add as I step away from the bar.

“I’ll have another drink. See you in the morning.” Cristina replied, smiling at me before waving to the cute bartender and ordering another tequila shot. For a second I consider taking her phone away from her, but she seems more than capable, she will manage fine by herself, as long as she doesn’t drunk dial Owen, that would be disastrous.

Instead of taking the stairs again, I turned left and headed towards the lift. The doors open ahead of me, for a moment I smile, perfect, don’t even have to wait. But then I notice the lady standing in front of the lift moved, she hasn’t even attempted to step inside. Then I see them, they wouldn’t be more than twenty, and I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a lift with them, I could already see more than I would like to see of the strangers. It was different at the hospital, when they were patients, but those people seemed perfectly active, I had no intention of watching them grope each other and suck each others face for the next 12 floors. I had my share of McDreamy elevator moments but that didn’t mean I wanted to bear witness to theirs.

“Sure you don’t want to catch that?” The woman in front of the lift asks me as the doors shut in front of her.

“No I’m good.” I replied smiling at her, as I leant forward to press the button again. Instead of continuing the conversation, we both stand there in silence, obviously both exhausted and just wanting to get to bed. Neither of us are in the mood for idle chit chat, well at least I’m not.

 

Twenty minutes later, I had had a quick shower, my hair was sort of dry and I had talked to Derek. Collapsing on my bed, it took me some effort to jump underneath my covers as my head hit the pillow. The day after tomorrow  I would have my results, this would all be over. But there was no room in my head to be nervous or worried or full of anticipation, all I felt was exhausted. I shut my eyes and seconds later I fall asleep.

**...**

Checking the clock I discover it is just before 6, Cristina should be awake, probably. Derek woke me up with a phone call less than an hour again, apparently Zola is sick now, which means that if I had stayed there last night I would probably have it too. I wish that I was there to look after her, she needs her Mum when she’s sick, I always wanted my Mum when I was sick and she was never there. And now, neither am I.

After telling me not to swing by the house to pick up my stuff, crying erupted on his end of the line and he wished me goodbye. I would see him at the hospital when we got onto the bus, but I wouldn’t be able to see Zola without risking getting sick. Any other time of the year it would be fine, but I have my boards, I can’t miss my boards and I can’t be sick while taking them, that would be disastrous.

Pulling my hair up into a ponytail, I chuck my towel into the bathroom before picking up my phone. I could just swing by her room, but I can’t remember what number she is and I think people will be less than pleased if I wake them up only to discover I don’t want them and leave.

“Morning.” Cristina answered on the fourth ring, she mustn’t have been near her phone.

“Zola’s sick.” I said immediately, a knot in my stomach forms, I should be home taking care of her, but I can’t I have my boards tomorrow, I can’t be home.

“That’s terrible, did you catch it?” Cristina replied, genuinely worried about Zola, I can hear it in her voice. But she is also worried about me, this is the biggest exam of our medical careers, I can’t be sick.

“Must have just missed it. Should I be ho… Cristina?” I paused for a moment when I heard another voice on the other end of the line.

“Yeah.” Cristina answered, I can practically hear her smiling. What did she get up to after I left her at the bar last night? That may have not been my best decision, I should have stayed a bit longer, especially considering that the entire point of staying a night in the city was to cheer Alex up, which failed and get Cristina’s mind off her divorce.

“What did you do?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question. By her tone I can just tell, at the moment there is only one thing that could her sound so cheerful.

“It’s not so much a question of what more of who.” Cristina answered, I can hear the happiness in her voice, she had finally slept with him. I hesitated for a moment and in the silence I could hear her laugh and then the unmistaken sound of her kiss Jackson.

“Cristina!” I exclaimed, we came out here so she would be able to resist the urge to sleep with him. Of course she wouldn’t do well if she was in his vicinity, but it would have taken him hours to drive out here.

“My divorce is final!” Cristina replied, sounding happy, just as she had been lately. Surgery makes her happy but she needs something in the in between bits, now she has Jackson, he is perfect for her.

“Cristina that is…” I begun but paused when I heard her laughing on the other end of the line. I then heard muffled voices which meant she must have covered the phone with her hand.

“I have to go, meet you in the lobby in half an hour, what? Really? An hour then.” Cristina said breathlessly, she hangs up before I have time to say goodbye. I’m glad I didn’t go to her room now, I was obviously interrupting something with a phone call, but no issue they were back to it now. So for the next hour I was on my own.

**...**

**Cristina’s POV:**

“Hey.” Jackson replied, his voice sending jolts through me, making me want to kiss him, wishing he was standing beside me as I leant against the table. I wasn’t turning into one of those girls that I loathed, I just wish that now I, now we could be together that we were actually together, but seemingly Mere had other plans for this evening.

“It’s Jackson isn’t it?” Alex asked across the pool table grinning over at me, I’m not sure how he guessed but I covered the mouth piece knowing what will come next. I have known Alex long enough to know he wouldn’t stop there.

“I can tell from the sexual tension coming down the line, all that lust in three letters. Oh don’t scowl at me like that, you’re in l- Ouch! Why’d you hit me?” Alex continued, his smile growing as he looks down at the pool table, leaning over as he lines up his shot. Shockingly this time he actually gets two in. I hit him just as he looks up and he grins.

“One moment.” I said to Jackson after I uncovered the mouth piece and then cover it again before leaning over the table to hit Alex again. Although this time he dodges, smart, he may be moody over the preemi but that didn’t give him the right to be a pain in the ass.

“Oh you haven’t said it yet!” Alex exclaimed, knowing full well I wouldn’t have, he has known me long enough. I have never been the sort of woman, or person, to fall in love at the drop of hat. We’ve been friends for years, and sometimes we understand each other in ways that Mere simply can’t, but not often.

“I don…” I started, I’m not in love with Jackson, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t be. Owen and I may be over, I may have drawn a line in the sand, but part of me still loves him, and I like Jackson, a lot. But I don’t love him, not yet anyway.

Not yet? What did that even mean. Burke had changed me, Owen had changed me, what would Jackson take from me? Was there anything left that hadn’t been taken already? How many times would I have to piece myself back together again? Was there no end to this, why did I keep doing this to myself?

“Course you do.” Alex answered, pulling me back out of my thoughts and into a bar full of stinking people, music blaring from a radio that looked as though it had been stabbed at some point, and no doubt an illegal poker game going on in the back.

“She does what?” Mere asked. She had been outside trying to get hold of Derek, and judging by the frustrated look on her face, he was still in surgery and now she smelt like smoke.

“She l- would you stop hitting me!” Alex begun, his eyes on Mere as he smiles grew so he doesn’t see me move until it’s too late.

“Cristina!” Mere exclaimed, obviously trying not to smile and failing miserably. She knows Alex is kidding, but after spending the last twenty minutes teasing her, she wasn’t willing to pass up an opportunity to tease me, especially since it is distracting Alex quite nicely.

“I’m trying to have a conversation here!” I gestured towards the phone, one hand still covering the mouth piece, Jackson may have known the three of us for years but that didn’t mean I wanted him to overhear this conversation. We were all a little bit drunk, and plus I had feelings for him now, which changed things. Especially since Mere and Alex were discussing my said feelings for him, and he didn’t need to hear that.

“Yeah with your true love.” Alex replied with a smirk, dodging my hand as he heads towards the bar to get another round of drinks, pleased to leave the conversation where it is. I scowl at his retreating back as Mere laughs as she raises a questioning eyebrow in my direction.

“Mere.” I can’t help but sound agitated. I am divorced, I can finally wrap my legs around Jackson’s waist, and let my fingers skim his chest, as my tongue explores his mouth, all guilt free, knowing that I won’t have to stop in the next few minutes, I won’t have to stop at all.

“So you could love him?” Mere grinned, teasing me. I sigh and look towards the bar where Alex is waiting, talking to the brunette beside him who is obviously checking him out as she leans towards him and touches his arm.

“Can I just not have a minute to speak to him!” I muttered as Alex turns away for the bar, two bottles of beer in one hand and one bottle in the other, leaving a disappointed woman whose eyes narrow when she notices he is walking towards Mere.

“You do realise that isn’t the mouth piece Cristina.” Alex laughed as he passed me the bottle of beer. I can tell from his expression that he isn’t joking, shit. Absolutely bloody typical. Oh well.

“Really?” I asked, hoping that he was joking, even though I knew he wasn’t.

“Yeah, not the mouth piece.” Jackson said, I can hear him smiling, and I can’t believe he hasn’t given himself away by laughing yet. I can hear the sound of pen on paper, he must be filling in a chart, and by the lack of yelling, beeping or talking, he is the residents lounge or in an on call room or something.

“I’m taking this outside.” My face goes hot, I must be blushing, which is not what I do. I glare over at Mere who is in fits of laughter, and Alex is choking on his beer, no longer able to watch my expression.

“Bit late for that now.” Mere grinned. They really were enjoying this, terrific. I was divorced, for the first time, but this was technically my second failed marriage. Turning away from the two of them, with my beer in hand, I push through the crowds of people as I successfully avoiding the vomiting frat boy and the far too intimate couple.

“How much did you hear?” I asked, as I pushed the bar door open and stepped out onto the pavement. Brilliant, I was going to smell like I had smoked a pack of cigarettes.

“A lot more than you intended I’m sure.” Jackson replied. Continuing to walk away from the bar, I took a sip of my beer as I dropped onto the bus stop bench, which was thankfully smoke free.

“How was surgery? I heard they got a man in the ER with a...” I started. I actually wanted to know, but mainly I was just avoiding the topic. Just a few weeks ago, I was still in a silent fight with Owen. Burke and I had had silent fights, and I guess it was in many ways the same with Owen, we both believed we were in the right. Owen and I barely exchanged calm words since the abortion, most of it was yelling, or it was civil behaviour at work, and even then I could always see that look on his face, the contempt.

He wanted me to keep that baby, he couldn’t believe I aborted it, and yet I still loved him even though he punished me with silence, he screamed at me in front of our friends, but then came the cheating. I don’t love Jackson, not yet. A small part of me still loves Owen, I can’t not, it has only been a little over a week since I decided we were over, for good. And I don’t long for him now, I long for Jackson, and I am loving the sound of his voice coming down the phone as I trail off, submerged in my thoughts.

“Cristina.” Jackson pulled me back to him, back to where I sat in the cold, slightly shivering on a bus bench while I tried to remember what I was talking about.

“Right. Well we’re in Vancouver, Alex wanted to go to Portland but Mere had to pee, so we...” I started, feeling a smile on my lips as I remembered our car trip up, the music blaring, us all laughing, having fun like we haven’t had in weeks, perhaps months, even maybe years. It was good to see Alex so relaxed, so alive.

“That’s like two and a half hours away.” Jackson spoke over me, thinking out loud. I couldn’t help but let my smile widen as I noticed the disappointment in his tone, hopefully he was thinking what I was considering, that he drove up here after his shift.

“Yep. Mere wanted to celebrate my divorce but really I think it was to distract Alex.” I replied. I hadn’t operated in hours, nor had a studied, I should be doing one or the other, that was all I had done lately. And yet here I was in Vancouver, sitting on a bus stop bench outside some grungey street bar, fantasying about kissing the man I’m talking to on the phone, while my Boards are just over 24 hours away.

“What are you even doing?” Jackson asked. I was certainly fantasying about doing more than kissing him, but right now he was two and a half hours away, now that I was finally divorced, free to have sex with whoever I want, Jackson is hours away and still at the hospital, working like I should be.

“Getting drunk, which we could do at Joe’s and spare the traffic, but apparently it’s better to be miles away, even though we’re leaving to sit our boards tomorrow morning, so we’ll have to leave here early.” I answered. I think Mere wanted to get away for some other reason that distracting Alex and celebrating my divorce, she’s nervous I can tell, nervous about a lot of things, not just about Boards, but whats happening after Boards. She needs time away from the hospital to decide where to go, she doesn’t want to leave I know her, but she needs to.

“Ok..” Jackson started uneasily, it’s impossible to tell what he’s thinking whilst I’m drinking and trying to figure out why Mere wanted to come all the way out here.

“Currently I’m kicking Karev’s ass at pool, and then we’ll probably head somewhere else, you should come.” I cut him off, not knowing what he was going to stay and part of me didn’t want him to continue, simply because I would find myself taking Mere’s keys and driving myself back to Seattle and that was not what the aim of tonight was, for Mere at least.

“To Vancouver?” Jackson asked, almost as if he was unsure what I was asking. I couldn’t leave Mere and Alex but if Jackson arrived here then I would have to have some hotel sex with him, I couldn’t possibly not. Even just hearing his voice, it had been hard since that night, but now it was worse, since I knew that I could, I was free, I could have him inside me without feeling guilty, his fingertips could skim my skin and my back could arch...

“Cristina?” Jackson interrupted my thoughts and a uncurl my fingers as I remember where I am. A man is approaching me, probably since he actually needs to catch a bus, or maybe he just wants to sit like me.

“Why not? I’ll be stupid drunk by the time you’d get here anyway. Plus I’m divorced so we can finally... Sorry sir I don’t have a lighter, nor do I want a cigarette.” I try not to glare at the man, but my tone does it for me, he nods and backs away, and I can practically hear Jackson grinning down the line.

“Where are you staying?” Jackson asked, as the man sits down at least 20 steps away from me, still without a lighter, but he seems content on simply holding the cigarette in his hand and staring down wistfully at it, as though wanting it to light will do the trick.

“So you’re coming?” I can feel the sides of my lips tugging themselves up, I can’t help but smile, but I need him to say it. Although what I really need is not his words, but his lips, I need him here, and if he drives fast enough and gets to leave work he can be here in a few hours, and I won’t have to imagine what he feels like inside of me, I’ll know.

“How can I resist.” Jackson replied, forcing my smile into a grin.

“Good, I’ll text you the details..” I answered, slowly thinking of what words to say before I stop. Looking back to the bar I see Alex standing outside, I can’t make out what he’s saying but I know he is yelling at me, telling me to hang up the damn phone and get my ass inside.

“I have to go now, Alex is yelling at me, but I’ll see you later, maybe some time after 10?” I added, as I glared at Alex who even from this distance I can tell he is smirking at me. The way he sees it of course if he has to be here, then I have to be here. He isn’t allowed to check his damn phone because he keeps calling Arizona requesting updates, so in his mind I shouldn’t be able to talk to Jackson, even though I ache for him.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Jackson replied, as I took another sip of me beer, wishing he was already half way here, and feeling annoyed at myself for wishing that.

“You get my drunk enough I may dance.” I answered, standing up with my beer bottle in my hand as I took two steps forward, heading back inside, towards Alex and Mere.

“I know.”

“What?” I stop walking, he knows? How does he know? Sure I was pretty drunk that night but I think I would have remembered him being there, any of them being there it was just the attendings, a few nurses and a few residents, shit. He may have been.

“Your little bartending stint is hard to forget.” Jackson laughed, my beer in my hand I raised it to my lips and took a long sip. Damn, I could have sworn he hadn’t been there, but then again it was years ago.

“You saw that?” I asked, trying to remember that night, all I remember are those horrible drinks I made, and the dancing, and Derek watching me from his table ensuring I didn’t do anything I would regret.

“Yeah, it’s on youtube.” Jackson was properly laughing now, my beer bottle was empty and I was standing in the cold wondering who on earth would have put that on youtube, what assholes.

“What?” I shouted.

“Don’t you need to get going?” Jackson laughed again, he knew I couldn’t leave now, not now I knew I was on youtube, drinking and dancing and bartending.

“Why is it on youtube?” I asked, pointedly ignoring his question as I walked towards the bar entrance. Alex would no doubt be back out in a few seconds, probably needing me to flatten his ego by beating him at pool, again.

“One of the residents filmed it.” Those bitches.

“Why?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Think you pissed him off.” Jackson answered. I could hear him grinning as he laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile too.

“Sounds like something I would do.” I replied, as the bar door opened again and Alex’s head popped out. “Yes, alright, I’m coming! I have to go.” I added as Alex grinned at me before leaning against the bar door, keeping it open for me.

“Bye.” Jackson replied, maybe it was just me, but maybe he sounded disappointed, although in a few hours he would be anything but disappointed, that was for sure.

“Yeah, lo..vely weather here, you’ll lov.. enjoy it immensely. See ya.” I stammered through, breathing a deep sigh of relief when I hung up and he could no longer here my voice, or me making a complete fool of myself. I didn’t love him, I truly didn’t, it was just habit, something I would say to Owen sometimes, and now, now I almost told Jackson I loved him. Shit.

**...**

“I’ll have another drink. See you in the morning.” I replied, smiling goodnight at Mere before I waved to the cute bartender and nodded to the empty shot glass in front of me.

I watch Mere walk away, she looks so happy. Sure she is nervous about Boards but aren’t we all. She took me out to celebrate, an hour and a half car ride from home, in an effort to keep Jackson and I apart, or maybe it as just to spend a night the three of us, we haven’t had a night off together in ages. Although it wasn’t like it used to be, this time Alex left halfway through dinner, after a phone call and he paid for us all before leaving, that had never happened before.

“Thanks.” I said to the bartender as I downed another shot of tequila. He raised his eyebrow and I shake my head, I don’t want to be intoxicated for this. Checking my phone I open my inbox and check the time stamp on Jackson’s last text, he would be here in just under half an hour.

“Can I…” A voice asked from behind me.

“No.” I replied, turning around to glare at them. Sure I look hot in this dress but I am not in the mood to be hit on, well not by that guy anyway. He shrugs and walks back his friends, who laugh at his failure.

Standing up I paid the bartender and then head off towards the lifts, I was two floors above Mere as she only paid for the rooms this morning, but that was perfect. If she was in the room next to me then I would have to be cautious, but I highly doubt she would hear us from two floors down, probably.

My divorce was final, and I had waited long enough. This waiting was insane, and maybe just maybe the waiting was what kept us going. As the lift doors opened in front of me revealing an empty lift I couldn’t help but think that the waiting was one of the reasons that were we still so fixated on each other.  Stepping inside I took a deep breath, needing to calm myself. With my brain swimming in answers so many answers for the boards the day after tomorrow,  none of them happened to be the answers I want nor are the answers I need right now.

Jackson and I’s relationship had progressed so much but also so little since that night, and as the lift takes me up, slowly ascending, I focus on his body next to mine, his eyes looking into mine, his lips against mine. He couldn’t fake the way he looked at me, I couldn’t fake the way my whole body longed for him when he wasn’t pushed up against it, this couldn’t be all about sex.

Owen slept with a woman and he didn’t even remember her name, he couldn’t remember her name. Sleeping with her was the final straw, but what made it even worse was that he couldn’t remember the name of the woman he screwed, he didn’t love her, he just screwed her. She was important enough to end our marriage and yet, he couldn’t manage to retain her name. Part of me wanted to stay, I didn’t want to leave, I couldn’t leave but I did, and because I did I was standing in this lift as the doors open in front of me.

The plush carpet is against the sole of my shoes and I desperately want to remove my heels, I want to walk along with my feet sinking in, but my room isn’t far now. As my eyes scan the pictures that line the walls, focussing on the small stains in the wallpaper, my mind strains to Jackson, how his hot skin will feel against mine, how my back with arch and how his hands will skim my body. Pulling my door key out of my handbag, I swipe it quickly and push my door open, leaning against it from the inside, pushing it shut as I slide towards the floor.

Locking it as I descend, I ignore the thoughts in my head and look out the window, up at the night sky, the stars unseen, their glow stolen by the city lights. As much as I try I can’t push Owen out of my head, and as my eyes scan the room the fall on the mirror, the clock, the towels on the end of the bed, and I am taken back there. I am taken back to the feeling of suffocation, as I entered our home, the home where we had such good memories, good memories that were tainted and outweighed by the bad. This time Jackson is waiting on the other side of the door to give me comfort, he is still in the car, driving here to meet me.

I focus on that word, filling my body up with pleasure. Usually it would be the thought of surgery, but like I have been told time and time again, a scalpel won’t keep you warm at night, it won’t give you comfort when you lack hope and when the walls are closing in around you surgery won’t do much to help. But Jackson will. Glancing down at my watch I smile, less than twenty minutes now.

Twenty minutes is all I have to wait. All of the waiting will be over, I won’t have to imagine it any more. I am divorced, I won’t be unfaithful like my ex-husband, I won’t be cheating on him on our sham of a marriage. I am free to screw whoever I want, and I will start with the best, and hopefully stay with him for far longer than I managed to stay with Burke or Owen. Hopefully Jackson and I won’t end that way, and I won’t be cut out of another wedding dress or find the walls closing in.

Blinking, I refocus my eyes on the room. Beside me lay my shoes, I must have taken them off absentmindedly whilst I was absorbed in my thoughts. Pushing myself up I walk towards the mirror and give myself a weak smile, and then I think of Jackson and my smile grows, I can’t help myself.

**...**

Twenty minutes later I hear a soft knock on the door, as I lie on the bed surrounding by notes. I didn’t want to shower, we could do that together, so I thought it would be best if I would use the time studying, Boards were so close now, and I couldn’t be distracted. Not 100% anyway.

“One second.” I called as I sat up and pulled my notes together, somehow I managed to spread them all over the bed in the last quarter of an hour. Dropping them in my suitcase I pass the mirror and smile nervously at my reflection, raising my hands for a second before dropping them and then raising them again, undecided between leaving my hair down and tying it up.

 _Stop it._ I tell myself as I shake my head and look away from the mirror, step by step I approach the door, letting my feet sink deep into the carpet before I lift them again. I feel as if I am moving too slowly towards the door, simply because I want to run, and yank it open, but I calmly walk towards the door trying to remain Cristina Yang and not become someone else.

My hand hovers over the metal handle, it feels weird now, I am divorced. We have no limitations except for the ones we set ourselves, will this change what we have, what we are together. It’s hard to imagine that anything would change between us but then again, I never imagined my marriage would end the way it did.

“Hey.”  I breathed as I pulled the door open and saw Jackson awkwardly loitering in the hallway, looking just as nervous as I feel. He raises his eyes from the floor as he turns to face me, his back straightening as he does so, he looks so tall in the hallway besides the pictures and the paintings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cristina's part picks up straight from Jackson's part... just in case you forgot :)  
> Work is unbeta-ed so mistakes are all mine


	7. Freedom

**Cristina’s POV:**

“You look beautiful.” Jackson said smiling at me as I step back from the door and let him through. His eyes scanned the room as I kept my eyes fixed on him, his eyes lingered on the bed for a moment before they fell on my open suitcase, where my study notes were spilling out onto the floor, study notes that I needed but right now, I couldn’t care less about.

“Are you nervous?” I asked as I shut the door behind me, letting it lock as I leant against it, staring into Jackson’s bright green eyes, not able to suppress the smile that was forming on my lips as I watched him, feeling nervous, which was not something I often felt.

“Maybe.” Jackson answered as I pushed myself off the door and took a step towards him. My feet sunk into the carpet as I looked up at him, we were finally alone, we were finally, free.

“Jackson.” I breathed, placing my hand on his chest and staring into his eyes. After all of this, I don’t know what to do first. I can’t decide if I want to go slow and savour every moment of it, or if I want to move quickly, fuelled on pure passion and lust. Then I realise we have all night, we can do it both ways, twice, at least.

“This is ridiculous.” Jackson muttered, a small smile forming on his face, a smile that never failed to make me want to do things to him, things that I had often imagined, and tonight, I would finally be able to do.

“I know.” I replied, every nerve was on end, every sense was heightened, all of this waiting and finally the moment was here. Part of it didn’t seem real, after so much waiting, so much desire, I could do whatever I wanted to him, and all I could think of was that night, when I turned up at his apartment, looking for Alex, but really needing not to be alone. That night started all of this, but perhaps it was the first time we, or at least I, actually realised how I felt about him.

For a moment, we just stood there, our chests rising and falling in unison, staring into each other’s eyes, just drinking in the moment. The whole room was silent, almost like it was preparing, preparing for the heat and the noise to come. And then all of sudden the stillness was over.

Jackson leant forward and kissed me, his lips on mine, I could taste him, how I missed the taste of him. Not waiting to gain entry, I slipped my tongue into his mouth, wanting, no needing to taste more of him. He ran his fingers through my hair, pulling me towards him. My hands moved down his arms to his waist and slipped underneath his shirt, I missed the feel of his skin against my fingertips. His scent wrapped around me as I nudged him backwards, towards the bed.

His fingers left my hair and slid down my back, undoing the zip of my dress in seconds, I would never stop appreciating the skills of a plastic surgeon. As I stepped out of my dress, leaving it on the floor below me, I couldn’t help but feel thankful that my shoes were already off, I would hate to trip and fall. It would not only ruin the moment, but knowing Jackson he would bring it up constantly.

Pushing him another step towards the bed, as my mouth becomes one with his, I can taste him, and I need more of him in me, I need him closer to me. Taking another step towards the bed, my fingers play with the hem of his shirt, I am the only one almost naked. Before he places his foot back on the lush carpet I am pushing up his shirt, helping him pull it over his head before it drops to the ground. His lips against mine, I push myself up against him not realising that he is turning me around as we walk towards the bed, until I am lying on the bed, with him leaning down on top of me. His mouth leaves mine, as his hands skim my body, and his lips trail down my neck. Grabbing his belt, I pull him towards me, almost desperate, my need for him is bearing on insatiable.

A single hard knock echoed throughout the hotel room, which amidst the undressing of Jackson was more than a mere inconvenience, whoever it was would have to leave, now. I hadn’t just arrived, for the last twenty minutes I had been in here alone and yet no one had knocked, or visited, why now?

“Who is it?” I half moaned, as Jackson dragged his fingers across my bare skin while he placed soft delicate kisses down my collar bone. I don’t think I have ever hated anyone knocking more than now, after so long, why couldn’t we be interrupted in an hour or maybe five or six hours, why now?

“Cristina?” The ragged, slurred voice replied. The single word reverberated through the now silent room as I looked at Jackson in surprise, his fingers no longer moving, his mouth no longer leaving small imprints on my skin, and my hands no longer attempting to unbuckle his belt.

“I don’t think he understood the question.” Jackson whispered with a smile, trying to defuse the tension and obvious unsettlement that had spread throughout the room. I was now very aware of how naked I was, and very aware of everything, as my eyes scanned the floor, seeing my dress and his shirt side by side on the carpet. In front of me Jackson straightened, and pulled me up to stand beside him, as we silently stood in front of the bed, wondering what the hell to do.

“Go to the bathroom, I’ll deal with this.” I whispered urgently, after a small pause, I couldn’t think, but I needed to think, I couldn’t not let Owen in and I couldn’t let him see Jackson, not yet, not now.

“You want me to hide?” Jackson whispered back in surprise. For a second he looked as though he thought I was kidding, but after a second of silence, his green eyes widened as any traces left of a smile vanished from my face.

“For the time being yes.” I whispered back, Owen couldn’t see Jackson, I didn’t want him to, I needed Jackson to just disappear for a minute or two, while I got rid of Owen, I needed him to understand. Jackson was watching me in surprise, his body still so close to mine, making me yearn for him, his body pushed up against mine, his hands all over me, his mouth all over me, why did Owen have to come now?

“Please Jackson.” I whispered, this was as close to begging as I would ever go. Jackson nodded and kissed my lips quickly, as I resisted the temptation to wrap my arms around him and melt into the kiss, and simply ignore Owen.

“One second.” I yelled towards the door as Jackson bent down and picked up his shirt and my dress as he headed into the bathroom. Waiting in the middle of the room, I stood still, so insanely grateful that Owen hadn’t knocked two or three minutes later, although it would have been far better if he did not knock at all.

“Here you go.” Jackson whispered as he handed me a dressing gown, white and fluffy, and not something that I would be wearing, but at least it would give me some excuse for taking so long to get to the door. Pulling it quickly on, I looked nervously to the door, trying to work out who he knew I was here, and more importantly why he was here.

I looked back to Jackson, who took a step closer to me and placed his soft lips against mine, as he tied up my dressing gown and my body sunk into his, momentarily forgetting that Owen was outside that door until Jackson removed his lips from mine and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

With the bathroom door now shut behind Jackson, my hand hovered over the door handle, as I tried to harden my expression from surprise into something else. Why on earth was Owen here? Was he under the impression that we weren’t over? Was he here to say sorry? Or was he here to yell at me some more.

“Cristina!” Owen exclaimed as I pulled open the door, revealing him, leaning against the door frame, not a bottle in his hand, but the contents of one lined his breath. He stumbled inside, as I stepped to the side, letting him walk two steps past me as his eyes scanned the room, although he didn’t appear to take much of it in.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, leaving the door open behind me, I didn’t want to be rude,  but I didn’t want to make him think that I wanted him to stay. I thought he knew we were over for good, we both agreed that we were over, didn’t we? I was in such a state that night, it was hard to tell how he felt about it, there was so much yelling, after the eternal silence, it all ended in screaming and tears. We were divorced, and yet he was here, he was in my hotel room, his breath smelling of alcohol, his jacket wet with rain and his hair wind swept.

“I’m sorry.” Owen spluttered as he turned to me, his eyes staring into mine before I looked away almost immediately.

“We’re divorced.” I answered as I slammed the door shut behind me and took a step towards him, my expression hardening as his seemed to melt. I knew he wouldn’t cry, and he probably wouldn’t yell, but I would most definitely yell, I was furious. Not only was I only a few minutes away from pure pleasure with Jackson, I was also having to see Owen, I didn’t want to see him, not for a few days or perhaps weeks at least.

“Cristina I..” Owen started, his feet seemingly glued to ground, he just stood there, watching me hopelessly as I felt anger bubble and boil up inside of me.

“Thought you would get drunk and sleep with a woman you weren’t married to? Cause you’ve already done that.” I cut across him, my voice loud and shaking with anger, and an edge of something else. Jackson was in the bathroom, and even though the door was shut, he would easily be able to hear me, but as I glared at Owen I forgot about Jackson silently waiting in the bathroom, and focused on my anger.

“Cristina..” Owen said, his voice small and his face open. My eyes met his for a moment before I promptly looked away.

“Scream at me for killing your baby in front of our friends? Well what would you know, you’ve done that too.” I yelled, my face livid. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t look into his bright blue eyes, I couldn’t, not after what he’d done. We had been through so much together, but we were over, we were finished. Why couldn’t he simply accept that? I want him to be happy but I need to be happy as well.

“I just..” Owen stuttered, he was drunk that was evident, but there was something else about him.

“What Owen? What do you want from me? To tell you that I love you, I love you! I loved you, some part of me will always love you.” I couldn’t help it, I took a step towards him, silent tears streaking down my face as I yelled at  him, my hands remaining limp by my sides as I looked into his eyes, trying to read him, as I attempted to ascertain what he was thinking.

“Then why can’t this work?” Owen pleaded, I could see what he was thinking now, this wasn’t a first for us, but I would make damn sure this was our last. We both had to move on, we had to, we couldn’t live in this continuous cycle for ever, it wouldn’t work, we couldn’t last.

“I love you, and you love me, but that isn’t enough Owen, that has never been enough for you. Love isn’t  enough and that is the saddest thing.” I answered, no longer yelling, I didn’t have the heart to yell anymore, this had to be said but that didn’t mean I wanted to say it, any of it.

“You are enough for me..” Owen started, as he took a small step towards me, but stopped immediately as I took a step away from him.

“No Owen I’m not.” I almost whispered, my voice cracked when I said those four words, and I cleared my throat before I added, “You want kids, you want a marriage, you want what I’m not and what I will never be. I let you go Owen, why can’t you let me?”

“But..” Owen begun, he wasn’t ready to let go, he wasn’t ready to give up, to accept this, any of this.

“No!” I shouted, cutting him off as I took another small step away from him.

“You are the love of my life, I will never love another woman Cristina.” Owen said, his voice calm and clear. For a second I thought he was going to move towards me, but instead he remained where he was as I stared at him feeling defeated.

“Yes you will. You will fall in love, get married and have beautiful kids, and that’s okay. That’s what you want, and I can’t give that to you, I won’t give that to you.” My voice was clear and even as I answered him, our last fight had felt like the end, the yelling that took place in the offices before we signed our divorce papers which quickly turned into silence. That wasn’t the end, this was the end, I could feel it now.

“I love you Cristina Yang.” Owen said quietly.

“I know.” I answered in a small voice, my eyes set on a spot behind Owen’s head, there was no way I could look at him, not yet.

“I’m sorry.” Owen said, taking a small step towards me. I wanted to kiss him, kiss him goodbye, kiss him to say sorry, to say I know, but I didn’t, I stood still.

“I know.” I nodded, as my eyes met his and I gave him a small final smile.

“Goodbye.” Owen said, a small smile forming on his lips as his eyes misted over. Without another word he walked past me, and out of the door, pulling it shut behind himself, leaving me alone in the room, and this time, my heart was in shatters, lying in shards around me. Instead I felt relief, this was over, this was the end.

“Oh god.” I gasped, as I wrapped my arms around myself and staggered backwards a step. I didn’t feel at all like I felt with Mere’s arms wrapped around me, as I stood in my wedding dress, free of Burke, this was something else entirely. Closing my eyes I lifted my head up to the ceiling and took a deep breathe in before I turned to face the bathroom door, that had just cracked open.

“You can come out now.” I said, opening my eyes and smiling at Jackson, I could see one of his eyes through the crack of the door, and I needed to see more of him, I needed to feel more of him. Owen’s little visit, and our discussion had done nothing to subside my desire for Jackson, if anything it had increased it.

How dare he come here? What was the point of it? Was it some vain attempt to get me back, was he trying to show that he was sorry, or did he simply deserve forgiveness? I don’t know whether he knew Jackson was hiding in the bathroom, or maybe he simply suspected that Jackson would show up at my apartment, I have no idea what was going through Owen’s mind, what made he think he would be welcome here, after everything we had done and said. In front of me Jackson was in full view, he was walking towards me, and all I wanted was for him to be closer, for him to walk faster, to rewind, back when he stood in front of my door, nervously smiling at me, as I wanted to explore him, as I wanted his lips on mind. None of that wanting had changed, not even Owen’s little visit could change that, if anything it made me more sure in my decision, Owen would never be my husband again, and Jackson would be the only one I would kiss for the time being.

“Cristina.” Jackson whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. Letting my face rest against his chest I slowly breathed in and out, letting his scent fill me up before I pushed away from him slightly. Looking up at him, I gave him a small smile before I placed my lips against his and slowly moved my hands up. nudging him backwards a few steps, I pried my lips from his before I placed my palms against his chest and pushed him down onto the bed, before pulling the dressing gown off me, and dropping it to the ground as he smiled up at me, an expression of surprise still hovering.

“Now where were we?” I grinned as I unbuckled his belt, unzipped his jeans and pulled them down his legs, before dumping them on the ground. Before he uttered a word, I was on top of him, my lips sealing themselves to his as he gripped me by my waist and pulled me closer to him before he flipped me over, his lips still locked to mine, as my tongue explored his mouth and his hands explored my body, as mine explored his.


End file.
